Knitting with a Purpose

Life goes along...

2012-01-22T21:26:00.002-05:00

We got some snow this weekend! Which made my kiddos very happy. Our lot is very sloped, and with the right kind of snow (which this was not, sadly), we can construct an excellent sledding run. Last year, with all the snow we had, we had an AMAZING one, full of bumps and whatnot. Very fun.

I had meant to do a whole bunch of knitting today, but then I remembered that I had to do this certification thing for the State of MA (the CANS if anyone cares), which ended up taking 5 hours and making me so cranky. Okay, I admit it, I've been staying up too late the last few nights, which just MAY have contributed to The Cranky. Last night I stayed up too late looking at old pictures. My husband resurrected our other computer that has our digital pics from 1999-August 2010 (when my little Apple laptop came to live with me), and it was SO SO fun to go through old movies and pictures. It's so hard to remember that my guys were SO small! I have some hysterical videos, I need to figure out softward to knit them all into a few larger home movies that I can ~~torture~~ entertain my friends and family with. It brought up a lot of feelings interestingly enough. There are some pictures and videos of the women I spent *all* my time with when I first had my oldest. It makes me sad to know that a person I really thought would be a friend for life...won't. It wasn't my choice to end the friendship, and it was so painful, but it now also feels firmly in the past. I can wish her the best, hope she's doing well, and move on. It's funny, for a long time, I was so hurt and angry, but now, I sort of think "huh, I'd like to hear from her." Not my place to reach out though. In any case, it is fun to remember how funny my oldest's little voice was. He's such a BOY now, into Pokemon and karate and shouting out "That's *sick*!" when something...I don't know, entertains him? I feel so old. :)

So, yeah, no knitting got done today. We had church this morning - our rector left two weeks ago, and it sounds like the Vestry has made the decision to go a particular route in the search process which means we'll be getting a new rector fairly soon, it sounds, for at least a 3-year contract. The Vestry voted unanimously for this person, hopefully it'll be a good fit. DH and I still struggle with our commitment to this church. It's an Episcopal church, which is some ways is a good fit for me (which, being a Christian church is bound to be imperfect, but I'm not sure what would be better), but it's not a great fit for DH. He's committed to coming for me and for our family, but he hasn't found the community there he'd like. I want him to get more involved with the Habitat for Humanity programs the church does, I think that would help, and I've committed to encouraging him to go out and work on building friendships here in our own town. It's really hard - I was going to say, for men, but maybe really for people who work full-time. I've had the advantage of being here all the time, and being in the preschools and getting to know people there.

Anyway. It's almost 9:30...I'm going to bed!

Stillness

2012-01-20T07:58:00.000-05:00

Four years ago today, we moved to our small town in the 'burbs of Boston (well, Cambridge, really). It was such a leap of faith, and I can't believe it's been four years! I've got one of my bookclubs coming over tonight, I've got two others I'm involved with. I'm not doing any group knittng at the moment, but I'm pondering starting a craft night. I run into people I know everywhere I go in town, I have an amazing community of friends here. This afternoon I'm sending my oldest off to a friend's house, picking up my younger son and two friends, taking one of his friends home and picking up that friend's little sister who is my daughter's good friend, bringing those four home to play...*whew* Thank goodness for the minivan! I feel like we have a real and rich life here. It's harder for my husband - he's not here as much simply because of work, but it's coming together for him too. We still have friends "in the city" that we see regularly, but so much of life is HERE now. I remember how scary it was to move, but it was so the right decision for us. It's funny to think that barring unforseen changes in circumstanecs, most likely this is the house we'll grow old in!

So anyway, what does that have to do with stillness? One of my friends has a sauna in her basement, and has a sauna club once a month in the winter. I was the first one there on Wednesday, and she was getting her kids settled, so I got changed and sat for a bit by myself. I am a busy person, often in motion, running around, doing. Even at work, when I am sitting and listening, I am a bit fidgety, moving my hands, shifting in my seat. And, I'm listening, actively and intently, so that's a different thing. This was a time, 10 minutes or so, just to sit. There's not much to do in a sauna except sit, you know? And I realized HOW HARD that is for me to do. I get...anxious, I guess. My thoughts fly all over the place, I'm looking around for something to do, I just can't sit.

I'm not sure what the point of this is, other than to take notice of how busy my head is. No wonder I'm tired! (Well, and that my cat stomps on my head all night, that's probably part of it too.) I love knitting and crocheting because it gives me something to do, with both my hands and my head.

Knit All The Things!!!

2012-01-16T19:45:00.002-05:00

If I were 1/1000th as talented as Hyperbole and a Half, I'd draw funny pictures, but I am so, so not. But it's true, I have a *massive* case of startitis at the moment! There's the two socks I started over my Christmas holiday. There's the scarf I started, just a 1x1 rib, alternating black and Chroma, which has a hat and mittens planned to go with it (sadly one of my kids misplaced my other knitting needle, so I may need to get another set). Then, it occured to me that I am co-throwing a shower for a dear friend who is having a baby girl in April, and that I simply MUST knit her something! So I cast on a Baby Surprise Jacket, my very first! I'm knitting it in what I hope will be a newborn size (in Blue Violet which is so pretty I just may have to get some for myself for socks). The pattern alarms me but I am assured it all will be clear. And, I accidently ordered the video from KnitPicks when I thought I was getting the pattern, so if I have to break it open, I will. And there's all sorts of yarn and patterns calling to me. It's not so much that my creative juices are flowing, but that I'm just feeling all energized and ready to get some things DONE!

I've got some sewing to do too. I made my daughter two little plain A-line, elastic waist skirts because my husband decided that "leggings are NOT pants" and that she needs more to cover her. This is so baffling to me, in part because she's long and lanky and always has been, so to get pants long enough, they're always baggy, even leggings. And she's 3. But whatever, he's an awesome co-parent so I'm going to respect his wishes. Of course, I have *no* idea where the skirts got to! They're somewhere in my house. *sigh* And I've got fleece for new hats for all the kids, plus socks for me. Because I need more fleece socks. No, really, I do. For some reason, this year, I've gotten more into shirts with some embellishment on them, which means I don't really want to be wearing patterned socks. So I need some plain socks!

Last night, I climbed into bed early to read, and ended up falling asleep at 9 pm and waking up at 7 this morning. This seems like a really good thing to me, so I'm going to try and get to bed early this week. In part, I'm trying to get more exercise into my life, and sadly, the only time that really works in my schedule these days is 6 am. I have a high school reunion, a college reunion, and a second honeymoon (WOOO!) coming up this summer, so I'd like to be in slightly better shape than I am. We'll see. I always have plans....

I remember college, where parties didn't start until 11:00 pm and just shake my head.

Heavy and Light

2012-01-12T21:14:00.002-05:00

So, something really really big is happening for me tomorrow. It's entirely positive, but I've had a much stronger emotional reaction than I anticipated. To explain it, I need to explain some history. When I was in college a million years ago, I had my first Real Love. I moved 3,000 miles to live with him. It wasn't the healthiest of relationships, and ended badly. I moved to Somerville, MA, got a cat and felt rejected and unlovable. I was drinking too much and *deep* in throes of my eating disorder. Living alone wasn't really all that great for me. During this time, I met a guy. A record store guy. A guy who was so different from me, and who ended up hating me for everything I was, everything he felt he wasn't. A guy with a big fat monkey on his back, and that monkey's name was heroin. What should have been a 2-week fling ended up being 4 years, much of it as bad as you can imagine. He was mean to me. He insulted me, humiliated me, lied to me, stole from me, left me with thousands of dollars of debt. Last of all, he beat me up. To take the rent money, to go buy drugs. Because, I - LIKE AN IDIOT - gave him my PIN. He'd hit me before, more than once, but this was a beating. This later stuff all happened when I was, ironically enough, in my first year of Ph.D. program...IN COUNSELING PSYCHOLOGY. I know, it's crazy to me. I was a feminist! I volunteered for a rape and domestic violence crisis line! I was going to be a therapist! And yet, there I was, drowing in in someone else's addiction, and a victim to his rage. There are many, many reasons as to how I ended up there. While he bears the lion's share of the responsibility, I do take my own. It's not just that I stayed - I went back to him. More than once. But, when it finally came down to that last cataclismic fight, I had what may have been the greatest epiphany of my adult life.

You get what you settle for.

I finally understood that this was never, ever going to change for the better. It was only going to get worse, until he finally really really hurt me, or (more likely) died from an OD. And I had that moment of absolute clarity that I can only believe came from source outside of me, that voice in my head so clear that said "GET OUT." I felt so entangled, so responsible, so guilty. I thought he might kill himself. I realized I could live with that. I called his mother, I got him out. I had support and help, of course, but in that crucial moment, I was completely alone, and I dug deep and found what I needed to change my life.

As part of the aftermath of that experience, I had literally thousands of dollars of debt. So I took a big extra student loan, and paid off the credit card debt. That loan has been hanging over me since then. As a stay at home mom for the last 10 years, and now earning, well, not much, it's been my husband's money that's been paying those loans. My amazing, supportive, kind, generous, gentle husband - for whose presense I give thanks every single day. It's not just payment for my mistakes - I did earn that Ph.D. too! - but that's a huge part of what those loans represent to me. Every time I saw the note for the payment in our bank account, I cringed, and felt that remembered shame of what I let that man do to me. I remember what it felt like to be sobbing on the phone in the Harvard Square T stop, calling my dad because I couldn't pay my rent. Hiding my bruises. Lying. Covering. Apologizing. I don't think I'll ever forget.

Because of an amazing piece of good fortune, yesterday, I scheduled the payment to pay off the rest of the loan. I panicked before I hit send, and made my husband come over. "You do it!" I said. "Do you want me to?" he asked. I thought for a moment. "No. I want to do it." And I did. I hit send. That payment will clear tomorrow, and it feels like it clears the last piece of that old relationship from this amazing life that I have today. My sweetie's out of town, so (barring getting the horrible barfing flu that's been sweeping my town) tomorrow night I'm taking the kids out to dinner and then we're coming home for a family movie night. And I'm going to marvel in the basic joy my life holds.

There's something so powerful about remembering that moment in that little apartment where the guy and I lived, standing at the crossroads, making a choice without fully knowing what I was doing, but only knowing that I could not survive the way I was. I had no idea the joy, the love, the awesomeness that was in store for me. I feel like a weight has lifted. You get what you settle for, so why settle for anything less than amazing?

I FNISHED SOMETHING!!!!

2011-12-27T22:01:00.001-05:00

Oh yes, and happy festivities of whatever sort you may celebrate! We're a Solstice/Christmas kind of family here. We ended up having a lovely Christmas. We had a very busy morning involving cooking and cleaning. We had our feast (a paleo meatloaf with apples that was delicious but very crumbly), and some other stuff I can't recall. Kids were very excited but things went well. We went to Church and the kids were in the Pageant, which included my youngest child (playing the role of the cow) doing push ups. Last year she burst out in interpretive dance, so it's par for the course, really. Thankfully, it's a family-friendly parish! We went by our friends' house on the way home, and the kids had a blast, as did the adults. We got home, got the kids settled into bed and quieted down. Five minutes later, my daughter (the aforementioned cow) threw up all over the place. I think we had the classic parental reaction, especially given that the stomach flu had been all over my local friends' Facebook pages. Yes, it involved swearing.

Thankfully, she either ate too many sweets or my husband gave us all mild food poisoning by using expired condensed milk and sweet potatos in the pie, who knows. We all felt crappy but were fine the next morning. We had our Opening Of All The Things, got packed up and headed to the in-laws. I've been knitting up a storm, and FINISHED A PAIR OF SOCKS!!!! Apparently I was half-way through sock 1 in October of 2009, so...well, yeah. But, I've been plugging away, and I finished sock 2!! My SIL was very excited and commented several times on how much she liked them, so I had her try them on for me.

They fit, so with a "Merry Christmas!" the socks became hers. Because I love finishing things so much...I promptly cast on not one, but two different socks. (One is sock #2 of the KPPM socks referenced in the above-October 2009 post). I was making a pair of Spilly Jane's mittens, but the fish weren't popping enough from the background so I'm going to redo them in different yarn, so I took the colored yarn and started a sock with it. I think I'm getting re-energized with sock knitting! I love to wear handknit socks!!

Why I Honor the Solstice

2011-12-21T07:47:00.001-05:00

I told my husband the other day that I really wanted to put lights up before the Solstice. I wouldn’t call myself a pagan (though the Beliefnet “What Religion Are You” quiz put me 100% at Neopagan, then Bhuddist, then UU, HAH!) but honoring the Solstice, the shortest and longest nights of the year feels authentic to me.

I think it’s no secret that I’ve lived through my share of darkness. There are many labels you can apply to me, some of my own volition, some not, but the one I used to hold to was that of survivor. Now, however, I prefer to think I’m in my post-surviving, thriving phase! And honestly, does any thinking, feeling, aware person get to be 42 and and not have had their share of darkness? I have a *good* and meaningful life, one I’ve fought very hard to have. I used to feel guilty for my blessings, but these days I just work hard to appreciate them, to deserve them every day. I just turned 42 and decided it’s time to dump the guilt.

So, for me, honoring the Solstice, especially the Winter Solstice, is about acknowledging the truth of light and dark in the world, and in my life. Here in New England, it’s been getting darker and darker. It has a big impact on mood, on energy, on the simple rhythm of the day. Even though I know that Winter hasn’t even hit here, that we’ve still got months of ice and snow and shoveling and slush ahead of us, it gives me hope to know that it will be getting lighter. I don’t think about it as the light vanquishing the dark, because isn’t that also the reality of life? That just as the light comes, so does the dark? Honoring the Winter Solstice to me says “I know the dark is there, and real, but so is the light. And light is coming.”

By honoring, I don’t mean that we’re doing any elaborate rituals or anything. The Solstice is at 5:30 on Thursday morning, so I hope we’ll be asleep! And Thursdays are busy for us, I work, the kids have school, we’ll go to Karate, I’ve got approximately eleventy-billion Christmas presents to wrap. By honoring, I mean, I’m going to take note, light candles, turn on the outside lights to light up the long dark night. I’m going hold my family close, like I do every day, and try to live in the light as much as I can.

Domestic Goddess...not so much.

2011-11-29T19:05:00.001-05:00

When I was in college, approximately eleventy-billion years ago, I had this t-shirt with a very frazzled woman on it with the caption "Domestic Goddess." All you had to do was visit my room to know that I was not, in fact, such a goddess. My lack of domestic goddesshood extends to cooking. I'm not a fabulous cook, I don't love to cook all that much, and I have historically been extremely picky about food, what with the whole disordered eating thing. As I've gotten older, healthier, some might even say, recovered, that's gotten better. But it's still a challenge, and now I'm feeding lots of other people.

I've been in SUCH a rut with food. Almost every night, except when we order pizza, I feel like "OH MAN!! DIDN'T THESE PEOPLE EAT YESTERDAY???" To cook dinner every night for everyone is a chore. So, with this new eating (DAY 1 today, yay!) persepctive on eating, all of a sudden, I'm feeling really reenergized about cooking new things, and trying new things. My DH is happy as he's a much better cook and much more adeventurous eater than I, but due to life circumstances, he eats what I make for dinner. I'm trying to view this as retraining my palate. This plan on I'm on sends me a weekly menu (and shopping list, how helpful is that?!), and I'm excited for the different things. I'm not doing it exactly - for example, today I forgot to defrost anything but I had a quarter ham from TJ's in the fridge, so I made Thursday's Butternut Squash with Garlic and Thyme tonight (SOOO GOOD), with ham, and whole wheat noodles for the rest of the family. Tomorrow is going to be vegetable-turkey meatballs, and something else - maybe a big salad?

I have *no* idea where I'm going with any of this. It's not that I think I'm going to sustain a gluten-free/dairy-free life, but I'm committed to trying this for 30 days. Yes, over Christmas, aren't I smart? :) I'll just do the best I can. I figure by the time Christmas rolls around, I'll have been doing it long enough (almost 4 weeks) to get a sense of whether or not I'm feeling better, which will help propel me through visiting my in-laws after Christmas.

And in other news, I knit an inch on my sock.

Pondering Change

2011-11-28T13:13:00.001-05:00

When I have a minute, I'll take some pictures and post them of the blanket I finished for my friend's new baby! YES! I finished something!!! It's amazing. :)

So, I'm embarking on an experiment, starting tonight. I feel like the Universe and my gut (perhaps literally) are pushing me to try making some changes to my diet. I don't want to. I *really* don't want to, but I'm frustrated with where things are for me, and how I'm feeling, and that's pretty much what I have left to try. Food is...tricky for me. I've been adamant for many years that my recovery from my eating disorder required me to be able to eat WHAT I WANTED WHEN I WANTED IT! And, I don't think I was wrong. Food was so - what's the right word - MORALIZED for me, it was either GOOD or BAD, and by extension, so was I, that I had to make it all good, make it all okay. However, I'm starting to do a bunch of reading on different topics, and decided that I want to try eating a gluten-free, dairy-free diet for a bit to see if that would help. I am *so* resistant to this. I lovelovelove bread, and cheese? Well, cheese makes life worth living, right? I love cheese. BUT, I can't ignore the signs. It's also something I feel like I can take charge of, right now, and what's the worst that could happen? I might not feel any differently than I do now, and I don't keep it up. I'm committed to trying it for a month. Yes, right before the holidays, isn't that so smart of me?! :) I figure there's probably some detoxing involved, but I've done the Master Cleanse (twice), so I know I can handle that.

I'm following someone else's plan for now. I really need (and love) structure, so I've found a site that will tell me every week - buy this, cook this, and eat it. I figure if it works for me, after a few months, I'll have more confidence and more repitoire, and I can branch out. I'd like to get my oldest on a GFCF diet as well, but I'm not sure I can fight the battle right now.

So, I've got the meal plan for the week, I've done the shopping, and I'm going to try! Tonight's dinner: baked salmon with rosemary and pecans, and creamy swiss chard. Sounds good, doesn't it??

Whoa, hello blog.

2011-11-17T21:17:00.001-05:00

Okay, somehow almost 2 months went by. I wish I had something interesting to blog about, especially something crafty. I don't.

There's a lot going on here. I've been having some health struggles, and I've finally admitted them, and I'm working on getting some help. Everything should be okay - there's a few different things going on. One should be corrected with a small surgery next month, and I'm doing more testing to figure out the rest, but we've got a direction, and I found a doctor who actually, you know, listened to me and took me seriously when I said I didn't feel right. The problem is that this stuff is making me so tired that I can barely function.

The big thing I'm working on right now is evaluating, and then acting upon those evaluations, where, truly, I want to be putting my time and limited energy. I'm working on saying No, and taking responsibility for what I can and cannot do. I'm working on jettisoning the guilt that says I should be prioritizing volunteer work that I don't enjoy over social stuff that I do enjoy. I miss creating and crafting. I'm looking at photo editing software and getting excited about doing a photography class or two next year (if I'm feeling better then). I miss knitting and sewing. I've got plans, all these plans, but not a ton of time and, again, no energy.

One of my big things I want to do is finally create a crafting space in my home for my stuff. It doesn't have a home so it's a huge mess, and disorganized, and crazy-making for all involved! I need organization for sewing stuff, including a sewing table, yarn and knitting, and some needlework stuff I still have hanging around. Right now we have an office/playroom that's a disaster and the kids' room. I am going to consolidate all the kids' stuff into one room (yes they all share!) and turn the other room into an office craft room. I'm thinking about this unit with a desk and storage baskets. Can't you just picture it?? So exciting!

Anyway, so that's it here. Tired. Lots of stress, my husband's company is being acquired which may or may not be a good thing. I want to be blogging more regularly! I'll work on it. How about I finish something so I can show you?

Welcome to Fall

2011-09-18T16:49:00.003-05:00

Both my husband and I have colds. UGH. I feel like this may just be it for the school year. I think we're actually going to get flu shots this year, since we didn't get them last year, and then a bunch of us got the flu (though I was told that A LOT of people go the flu who actually got the shot but whatever). We had a good winter last year, though apparently I complained a LOT when we all did get sick as I had people saying to me in the spring "Yeah, you guys had such a rough winter!" We really didn't, we only had a two week period where everyone had strep and the flu. Which is as fun as it sounds.

I have nothing crafty to report. So I'll ramble about other things.

As we drove to church this morning, my DH said to me, "Am I exceptionally unanxious?" to which I replied, "I think you're regularly UNanxious in an exceptionally anxious family." I know I've talked about it before, but I've struggled with profound anxiety most of my life, and it's just exhausting. What's funny is this was today's Collect (we go to an Episcopal church so we do stuff like Collects of the Day):

Grant us, Lord, not to be anxious about earthly things, but to love things heavenly; and even now, while we are placed among things that are passing away, to hold fast to those that shall endure; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.

Now, I'll be the first to acknowledge that I've got a LOT of ambivalence about the Christian church. We go, in large part, because it's how I was raised, we're looking for community, and we want to give our kids roots (the same roots we rebelled against, I suppose). But it's funny, sometimes I get *exactly* what I need.

I've heard it said that depression is about the past, and anxiety is about the future, which resonates for me, I've been dealing with anxiety lately, mainly in the form of having a brain that Will Not Turn Off, so I'm spending a lot of time worrying - worrying about working, worrying about my kids, my husband, the economy, the future. Interestingly enough, the readings and sermon today sang to the part of me that is so drawn to Buddhism, and the idea that letting go of attachment to outcome, letting go of the notion that I can control everything, or anything, and letting life settle into where it needs to be, that THIS is my path. I love the concept in Buddhism that wisdom and compassion are like the wings of the bird; without both, the bird cannot fly. Wisdom, or Right View, is seeing things as they are, "touching reality deeply" (Thich Naht Hanh).

September always seems to me to be a time of new beginnings (all those years of schooling, I suppose!). I have always been a planner, someone who likes to think ahead. I guess the message I got today was, don't worry so much. Don't work so hard to control everything. It's not just that it's going to BE okay, but it actually is okay. If you can let go, and trust - God, the universe, whatever your concept is - you can relinquish that need for control and suffer a bit less. And it will be okay.

Bittersweet

2011-09-13T20:25:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow begins a new era of parenting for me. My daughter - my youngest, my baby girl - is going to preschool! Now, I've been down this road before, of course. I know she's ready, I know she's going to love it. I feel great about where she's going - it's a coop, I'm on the board, so I'm intimately involved with the school - but just today it was hitting me. Because I've been down this road, I know, a bit at least, where it leads, and where it leads is out into the big world. This is the beginning of her having a life that is larger than just our home. It's wonderful, and it's necessary, but it's so hard, so very hard sometimes, to let them go.

This comes as I'm starting to venture a bit back into the world myself. It's a good thing, of course, but change (for me at least) is so hard. I like my ruts, I really do. We're also weathering the transition of getting the boys back to school. This year is bittersweet in that as well. I've got both boys in full-day school, for the first time ever. In some ways, it's great. In other ways, well, again, I miss them. We had a good summer, and it went by so quickly! I think both boys have a good situation this year. My oldest is in 2nd grade. He's on the older side, and for him and the kid he is, that's so fantastic. He really needed that extra maturing. We didn't hold him, he missed our cut-off by 7 days, but it's a good thing. We've also decided to give our younger son a bit more time. We're lucky enough to have a program in the school, a transitional first grade, which gives him an extra year before first grade. Again, for the kid he is, it's such a great thing. I feel so lucky to have the option!

So, we're all beginning to settle in to the new year. New backpacks and lunch boxes. New clothes and supplies. The air is beginning to cool off at night, and the mornings have been chilly. I think (HOPE) it's going to be a good year!

Winding down the summer.

2011-08-22T10:10:00.003-05:00

It's so hard to believe that we're in the end of summer! Well, given that I put my kids in long pants this morning, I guess I can see it. We've got more than 2 weeks until school starts. This week is pretty mellow - I think we'll squeeze in a visit to the Science Museum this afternoon. On Wednesday, my husband's office is doing their annual picnic at Steep Hill Beach. Next week I think we might try for a day trip to RI to see some friends, so we've got lots of fun stuff to do. Back to school shopping is just about done, though I realized that all my daughter's clothes don't fit, but all her new clothes are way too big. Hmph. In a way, I'm sad to see summer end, we've had a good but very busy one. I'm also looking forward to getting back into more of a routine. I started my new job, and I think it's going to be good! Though a big adjustment. It also really really limits how much traveling I can do with the kids, which is a bummer. I hope the Saturdays won't be for more than a couple of years though.

In terms of crafting....I actually finished something!!

This is a baby blanket for a friend. Honestly, I'm a bit unsure about the colors, if they're too 70s, but I wanted to do something fun and bright and not typical for her, as she's a fun, bright and non-typical kind of woman! I hope she likes it! The pattern is Lyn's Round Ripple afghan, which is really easy and once you're in the groove, doesn't even need a pattern. I know the Yarn Harlot scorns the ripple blanket, I think it's cute. I like the more circular blankets, and the crochet is so much faster than the knitting for blankets! I did a pinwheel blanket and while I love it, it's just long. So anyway, the Round Ripple, it's 12 point *counts anxiously* star, really, crocheted in the round. The yarn is KnitPicks Crayon. It's really lovely, SO soft! And cotton, which I like for babies. Since this little one is due in October, I think I'm going to do a pumpkin hat too.

Since I finished this blanket, and I had bought an atrocious amount of Crayon, I promptly started another! This is for a friend in CA who is due with her 4th, a little girl, sometime soonish.

I don't feel like the colors are quite right on my monitor - the red is really more of a dark pink. This friend is sort of a super-woman, and I just can't picture her ever being frazzled or yelling at her kids. So soothing colors for her!

And then, two more friends both announced they're pregnant, and there's another one pregnant with twins, so YIKES. I'm thrilled for all of them (and glad it's not me!). I guess I've got to get working!

It's hard to make sense of it all, sometimes.

2011-08-10T20:02:00.002-05:00

Our community has been rocked by a tragedy. A 10 year old girl was killed in a terrible, senseless accident. I didn't know her personally, but I have friends in common with her and her family, and they are just reeling from it. On the same day, I learned an incredibly joyful piece of news from another friend, so it's been an emotional few days. I'm not someone who believes that tragedy is inherently meaningful. I'm not sure if I've talked about this before here, but I'm not someone who believes "everything happens for a reason." I think random terrible things just happen sometimes. Sometimes people choose to do horrible things to one another, and that's also very very hard to comprehend, but sometimes in life, things just go horribly wrong. There's no silver lining, no saving grace in this instance. At least, not one that I can see. This is not to say that I think everything is meaningless. Just the opposite, in fact. I believe you can grow and come to grace through unbearable pain, and I believe that life, love and our connections to one another are The Thing that make it all worthwhile.

So, I'm hugging my dear ones closer to me tonight and trying to figure out how to create something from this. Not that it will in anyway make it better, but what can I take from this? And the big thing I take is "SLOW DOWN." Take the time to really pay attention and notice all the things around you. Don't miss them.

Freaking Out Just A Bit

2011-07-25T18:23:00.002-05:00

Well, maybe more than a bit.

Looks like I'm going back to work! This is very good news - it looks like it's going to fall into place that I'll be working at a newish mental health clinic in town, so very convenient, the money is decent, they're willing to let me work very few hours on my schedule. It's all good, right? The one less-than-ideal thing is that I'll be working Saturdays for the foreseeable future (probably 2 years, on my 5 year plan, and yes, I do have one). But really, during the school year, that's not a big deal.

So, why am I freaking out? Well, I think the main reason is, it's change, and I. Hate. Change. I like things to stay the same, even when I'm unhappy - because, hey! The devil you know and all that, right? (Not that I'm unhappy at the moment.) Being a SAHM, while veryvery stressful in some ways, is also really a great gig! We have none of the stress of get everyone out the door (well, except now that I have two kids in public school, we do), none of the "hey, somebody's puking, what do we do?" Plus, in the summer, as part of my job, we go to the beach. I'm in a rut, really. It's a nice rut. But I think with my littlest one going off to preschool, it's time for me to start pushing myself outside my comfort zone a bit. I've been at home since June of 2003 - my job ended, I was 6+m months pregnant...and we knew that we wanted me home with the kids for "a while." It was really important to me that we do it this way, and we were so, so blessed to be able to do it (well, and we made specific choices to support that goal).

But now, life is getting more and more expensive, and I have this opportunity. So I'm going to take it. Yikes.

Actual Knitting Content!!

2011-07-24T19:34:00.003-05:00

I Know. I can't quite believe it myself.

I have been way off my knitting game for a long time, months. I'm not sure why - I've been sewing, crocheting, living the busy life of a mom with three kids (I know, my friends with 4+ kids are snorting at the notion). For whatever reason, I've been off of it. I've felt, of course, guilty. Why? Knitting is my *hobby*, it's not my job. In part, it was a really rough winter emotionally, for a variety of reasons, and I've felt for some time that I spent much of it just getting through, and there was no energy for anything else. I feel like this Spring and Summer, I'm rejuvenating, I"m coming back to myself. I cut my hair, I'm working out more, I'm reading like a fiend (I'm currently obsessed with adventure memoirs, I've read 3 in the last 4 days), and I'm crafting again!

One issue is that I've had this stuff hanging around on needles for far, far too long. A quick search reveals that the first sock of this pair was completed in October of 2009. Oy. I hadn't realized it'd been that long! So anyway, this things have just been LURKING around, sulking in the corner. I've got two complete socks (of course that don't match). They're both vanilla socks of my own devising, but unfortunately, after so long, the notes I made about them are long gone. I'm treating this as a good exercise in "good enough." They'll match well enough to wear, right? So, I completed the second foot of 3rd sock! I think I won't try and turn the heel tonight, I'm really tired, but I'm feeling energized about them. I want to get all projects on needles completed (or frogged) and then I'll reassess.

(I'm just not going to mention the huge KP Crayon order I just made for crocheting baby blankets.)

Quick Saturday Update

2011-07-23T10:39:00.002-05:00

Hey, have you heard? It's hot on the East Coast! We've actually had our AC running the last couple of days. I used to really like AC but the years with my husband have changed me. We woke up to a thunderstorm and 72 degrees outside, and we both looked at each other and said "OPEN THE HOUSE!!" It's gonna heat way up this afternoon, so I think we'll close it down again but for now, it's lovely to be sitting with the windows open, listening to the birds.

So, as usual, I was weak and helpless in the face of a yarn obsession and ordered the Crayon for KP. I'm really hoping it'll be awesome for baby blankets! I have a friend who's done some really nice things for me who is pregnant with her first, and I'm thinking of a purple and orange blanket for her baby! I know I'm obsessing over the different small granny square blankies, but the seaming and weaving-in-of-ends is defeating me at the moment. I'm thinking I'll be doing something more like a round or star blankie.

Back amongst the vertical.

2011-07-20T07:24:00.002-05:00

Let's just say, yesterday was a tough day. I woke up, felt not great, and ended up spending the day lying flat and still. My wonderful husband shuffled work stuff and took over. He got A off on the bus to home. Poor kid had to stay an extra day because he threw up Sunday night, and he was pretty homesick. Hopefully it won't sour him on the program as my kids would LOVE to have him come back! He was a sweetie. He really bonded with my husband as well.

But anyway! So, we're back in business here. We've got an easy, mellow day planned, which is good, since my energy is low. I'm actually going to do some knitting, I think! I have to say, I am *loving* having slightly older kids who are capable of entertaining themselves and each other with fairly minimal supervision! I think I'm also going to order some yarn today. *sigh* I *cannot* get that silly crochet blanket out of my head, which means I Need to Make It for Someone. I have several friends who are pregnant right now, one of whom is very crafty, so I think it'll go to use! This will be different from the last time where I made a baby blanket simply because I had to make something from this yarn (in Painted Iris) and it ended up being for me! I'm thinking I'm going to order a bunch of Crayon from KP and crochet some blankets.

Ugh. What a way to end the week.

2011-07-18T10:23:00.001-05:00

3 kids vomiting. Perhaps my least favorite parenting situation ever.

So we've got A with us for an extra day, since he threw up in the middle of the night, poor kiddo. I feel *awful* for him, and just terrible about the whole thing. I reallyreally hope this doesn't sour him on the whole experience!!

A couple of random musings...

2011-07-14T08:52:00.002-05:00

So far our visit with A, our little guy from NY, is going really well! He's having what I'd consider perfectly normal homesickness, but he's also having lots of fun, and a good time with the kids! It's making me look at some of my parenting habits as well, specifically how much yelling I do...and making me think I need to be more vigilant about that. I don't think yelling works particularly well as a parenting strategy but especially with my oldest, sometimes it's the only thing that gets through.

I am feeling really good today - I ran at about 6:30 this morning, and the mist rising off the lake literally took my breath away, it was so beautiful. I love living somewhere like this, able to walk by water every day if I want to!

I went over to my neighbor's house last night - it ended up being five of us, hanging out and talking. I feel so lucky, I've gotten to know so many amazing women here. When I first had my oldest, my friends were people who had kids the exact same age as mine (and well, that didn't work out so well for me as my two closest friends dumped me when I had my second child!). Now I've got friends with kids around the same age, as well as friends with older kids, and there's not the expectation that our kids our going to be friends, you know, so it takes the pressure off! I feel like I get really valuable perspective from these women - their views aren't the same as mine on all things, but there's a basic respect and affection.

Okay - now I have to get four kids out the door so my daughter can go to her dance class!

Life with A, our Fresh Air Fun kiddo, Day 1

2011-07-11T20:48:00.002-05:00

We all survived the first day! Apparently A was very, very nervous. His mom called this afternoon and said he "cried and cried" this morning. He seemed pleased to be here though, and he settled in with the kids very well, playing and having fun. During dinner, he got very quiet and seemed very sad, missing his mom. After dinner, we had ice cream cones and walked down to the lake, where he very much enjoyed that classic game, "Throw Stuff in the Water." We came back here, had every take showers, and got everyone into bed. An hour later, it seems to have settled down.

I think he's a tad overwhelmed - big shocker there! On a quiet day, my kids are loud and intense. Gee, I wonder where they got that personality trait from? Hmm. I really hope he has a good time and enjoys himself! He already told me that our neighborhood was "really different from Brooklyn!"

I am not entirely sure what to do tomorrow. In the afternoon, we'll go down to the lake (the boys have swim lessons) but we have a morning to fill...

The Endless Ikea Trip

2011-07-08T20:17:00.002-05:00

I just spent 7 hours on an Ikea trip with my children. And I'm not even insane. :)

I needed to go to Ikea - we're hosting a Fresh Air Fund child next week, and needed, you know, an actual bed for him, and it's time to move my daughter out of her toddler bed *sniff* into her Big Girl Bed, so we decided to purchase a bunk bed. Of course, the one we have that we really like is no longer in production, so we got a very simple wood one. It was actually really cool having all three kids with me there! I feel like we're turning a corner, both with the youngest, who's now three and is just turning into a big kid, and with my oldest, who's so intense. We're using an herbal supplement to treat his anxiety and it's helping SO SO much. So, we got the bed, we got a book shelf, we got furniture for our new screened in porch, we got linens...we got just about everything! I was very excite because I got a lounging chair for me! I really want a nice wicker one with arms and a curved back, but they're...let's just say, they're not in my price range at the moment. So not only did I find a decent second choice at Ikea, it was $40 off! And the chairs I had really liked for the table out there (built by my sweetie) which I had deemed nice but too expensive, were $20 off per chair! I hadn't planned to get them but that seemed like a good deal to me.

With infusions of meatballs, mac and cheese, hot dogs and fro yo, the kids held it together so amazingly well! I think by the end I was more cranky than any of them!!

And now, tomorrow, I get to look forward to putting all of this stuff together!

Home again, home again!

2011-07-06T07:16:00.003-05:00

We had a LOVELY 4th of July long weekend out in the Berkshires. There was swimming in the lake, kayaking, lounging around, drinking of wine, and lovely food. I am incredibly lucky that not only did I get an awesome husband when I married my sweetie, I also got a fabulous extended family! For example, my MIL was in the room when I gave birth, all three times, and actually cut the cord of my second son - all by my invitation. I know most folks don't have that kind of relationship with their MIL and I do know how lucky I am!

It is, however, SO good to be home! Today feels like our first real day of summer vacation! I'm hoping to get some stuff done, and to have some lazing around fun. I finally got my paper calendar reconciled with my Google calendar, and now I feel like I know where we need to be and when, which is always a good feeling. I'm not naturally organized AT ALL, so I often feel like I'm just barely keeping up. (So much so that I think it's time for me to explore actual ADD meds.)

I did some crocheting while away - I did another little bear hat, it's very cute! Probably the right size for a 12 month old. I find sizing always baffling - I feel like I take all these measurements, do all the calculations and get different answers depending on which measurement I use. Ah well, it's all for fun, right?

I'm now feeling like I really want to crochet a baby blanket!

Happy Anniversary!

2011-07-01T07:19:00.002-05:00

11 years today!!

In those 11 years, we've:

moved 5 times

spent a year apart while I completed my predoc internship

bought a condo

bought a house

sold a condo

bought a car and a minivan

had 4 pregnancies and 3 births

seen me complete grad school and get licensed

seen him change jobs and find a company and work that he's loved and grown with

gained and lost 2 ferrets

lost the lovely Lula cat

gained the boy kitties

and all the countless other events that make up a life together

When I met my husband, I was 28, and recently out of a really, really bad relationship (think abusive heroin addict), and I wasn't looking for the love of my life. I was looking to make my life amazing by myself. Maybe that's why I was ready? Who knows. All I know is that I am thankful every single day that the universe brought this amazing person into my life. He's wicked smart, wicked funny, and incredibly loving and generous. He's got more integrity than just about anyone I know. Before I met him, I was able to articulate my relationship philosophy as this: "I want someone who thinks he's the luckiest person in the world to be with me, and who believes he deserves someone like me." It still takes my breath away that I actually managed to find that person.

Happy anniversary, sweetie!

Exhausted

2011-06-29T18:50:00.003-05:00

2 trips down, 1 to go.

Our time in VT was really good, but it's tiring as well. As wonderful and supportive as my parents and sister are, they aren't co-parents. Nobody slept well, so I'm just tired.

We're also making the decision to put one of our cats to sleep. I don't think we need to do it tomorrow, but I also think it's probably going to be in the next month or so. I am heartbroken, but it's the right thing. It's just about time. She's just about 18, and I've had her since she was 6 weeks old. She's part of my...not youth exactly, but absolutely my growing up. We had thought we were going to put her to sleep 15 months ago, and then the vet offered some things to try to improve her quality of life. They helped, a lot, but we're pretty much back to where we were.

This is what I wrote (on LiveJournal!) on March 23, 2010 for her, and it is as true today.

We've made the decision, we're putting A to sleep on Saturday. We came close a couple of weeks ago, but I was so deeply ambivalent that I canceled the appointment. I don't think it would have been a mistake then, but I felt wrong about it, but now I don't know. Amazing what a difference even a week makes. She's losing ground pretty quickly, she's losing weight, she's seeming more and more uncomfortable. She seems just...done. We're having a week of lots and lots of love and scritches and purring, which is good.

This is so hard. The waiting is so hard. I know, in a weird way, it will be easier when she's gone. But oh man, I am going to miss her.

I got A on Sept. 11, 1993, from Angell Memorial. She was about 6 weeks old. My sister went with me. I was living in my studio on Highland Ave in Somerville: we took the bus to Lechemere, and the E line all the way to the end and walked up the hill. It was too early, they weren't even open so we went to some random dive bar and had chicken wings. As soon as I saw her, I knew she was mine. KNEW IT. She was so little, so feisty, so funny and cute.

A was definitely weaned too early, she had a lot of the craziness associated with that, but it was okay. I think we fell in love with each other, and she was mine. She loved to sit on my shoulders and suck on the back of my head. It's how I knew N was The One for me - she did it to him the first time she met him (and then never again!).

She had SO MUCH ENERGY! She caromed all over the apartment.

She went with me everywhere I moved. She's lived all over Somerville, San Francisco, Madison, and Littleton.

When I got her, I had just moved to Somerville from Davis (CA) after being dumped by W, my college love. She's THAT cat, you know? She saw me through so much, so many hard times, and so much joy too. She saved my life (she and L), she gave me something to live for that was so hands-on and immediate, when all the other things I had to live for seemed so distant. I had to survive, she needed me. She taught me not just how to receive unconditional love, she taught me how to give it.

She saw me finally get my shit together, fall in love with N and build a family with him.

I am so thankful that she's been with me, one of the great loves of my life (and if the fact that one of the great loves of my life is a cat is pathetic, so be it), and I'm going to miss her for the rest of my life.

Home and then away again.

2011-06-24T15:40:00.003-05:00

Back from CA, and then off to VT tomorrow! I don't think I do well with lots of travel, but these trips just lined up this way. (And we get back from VT on Wednesday and head out the Berkshires on Friday.) I'm really tired. I am *so* glad I went to CA. It was wonderful to spend time with my friend, and I think I was actually able to be helpful. And really, cleaning someone else's house is so much more fun than cleaning one's own!

I will say, I *really* enjoyed the travel part! I like traveling in general, and doing it alone was delicious! I read, listened to music (the only bummer is that the Kindle app on the iPhone seems to be a bit of a battery hog), and...KNIT! Yes, I did!!

I frogged my other Swallowtail and decided to try again with a different yarn: specifically, Dream in Color Starry in Midnight Derby. It's gorgeours! I got through 8 pattern repeats of the leaf lace, and I'm definitely excited to keep going! Especially since it's June 24th and 62 degrees! I think a shawl might be in order.

So, one of the things I did (sorry, total subject change there) while in CA was I visited Davis, the town I moved to after I graduated from college. I got to drive around, see my old apartments, where I used to work...it was really trippy. It brought up some really conflicting emotions - in some ways I was happy there, but in many ways, I really wasn't. It's hard to remember how painful life used to be, but also really amazing to see how far I've come, how much it's NOT painful these days! Of course, it's been 20 years (yikes!), so I hope I've grown a bit.

Going Back to Cali!

2011-06-15T20:42:00.002-05:00

So in less than 36 hours, I'll be on a plane to Northern California. BY MYSELF. The reason for the trip is sort of bittersweet - I'm going to help a friend who needed a total knee replacement. I am so sad that she needed yet another surgery but I'm so, so hopeful that this will change her life and really, really improve it. I'm excited to be able to offer actual concrete help, and I'm really looking forward to the traveling. I actually like to travel and I'll be by myself. Reading. Knitting. Listening to tunes. Sleeping! Should be cool. Sadly, I don't think I'll be able to hook up with my West Coast NoCal peeps, I don't think there's going to be time. I would LOVE to go back to Davis, the town where I lived for 2 years right after college, but I think I may be too busy. I'm there to cook, clean, and drive little kids around.

So, I need a good knitting project. I think my current Swallowtail, while beautiful, is doomed. I lost the pattern I'd made notes, I have no idea where I was, I tried to figure it out and screwed it up, so I'm just going to say SCREW IT. I have some other yarn I'm thinking about trying for Swallowtail. I'm not 100% convinced lace and variegated go together, but I don't love knitting with solid color yarn. So tomorrow, one of the many things I need to do is rummage in my yarn and see what I have. I do want to do Swallowtail, I really love it as a pattern. So, we'll see. MAYBE when I get back, I'll have some knitting for you?? Also, I need to bring a mindless sock to do as well, so I can have some sitting and chatting knitting available.

Food for Thought...

2011-06-11T17:33:00.002-05:00

It's a seriously cold and rainy day here in Massachusetts (though no tornados, thank goodness!). I've been reading a book that's really pushing me to think a lot about what we're eating. Animal, Vegetable, Miracle is fascinating, well-written, and a fun read. I'm about half-way through it, and find myself grappling with all sorts of questions about how we're eating. Coupled with the fact that about 4 times in the last couple of weeks, I've had people raving to me about how much a gluten-free/casein-free diet has helped their child (typically spectrum kids, which my son is not...well, not technically, but close, IMO), AND with getting some less-than-fabulous cholesterol results from my recent physical, it feels like the Universe is sending me a big message about how I'm treating my body, and how I'm feeding my family.

The author talks about the idea of food as an ethical choice. Now this is, of course, not an idea that's new to me, but I've mainly thought about it in relationship to meat. Most of the meat we eat comes from our meat CSA, and I love it. But Kingslover also talks about the environmental impact of eating non-local foods, and out-of-season foods. One of the questions I am feeling pushed to answer is "is my preference for something enough of a reason to make an immoral (for lack of a better term) choice?" An example: I'm not a huge chicken breast fan, so I purchase chicken thighs, which I like better. As I'm reading this book, I'm thinking that just the fact that I *like* them better is really not a good enough reason to participate in the mass-produced chicken market.

So, what are some things we can do to make a difference? We're joining a produce CSA for the summer. I'm super-excited about this, because (1) it couldn't be more local, and (2) I think what we'll get will be a better fit than the CSA we did two years ago. (Lovely people on that farm, but it was just too far). We're also splitting this one with friends, so that'll be cool too. I think I'm going to say that for a while, we need to eat only the meat from the CSA. We have a 10 lb share, and we're splitting that with another friend. We need to eat up what we have in our freezer, and I'm going to resolve not to buy any other meat. Hmm, what about sandwich meat? I'll have to think about this. Personally, I need to cut way, way back on my cheese consumption. I love cheese, I really do, but I think I need to remember that my grandfather died of heart disease, my dad had a quadruple by-pass a few years ago, and it's time to really make some changes. For awhile there, I was making myself a salad for lunch every day, and I need to get back to that. I think it's also probably worth it to find out if my son has a gluten or casein sensitivity, since making either of those diet changes will be a large endeavor.

This is hard for me to do. As I think I've mentioned before, I had a very serious and long-term eating disorder, and a huge and important part of my recovery was making all foods allowable and acceptable. I think figuring out how to make these changes without falling back into the eating-disorder mind-trap is going to be hard. Even though it's for good and healthy reasons, that thinking is never too far from me.

Derailed.

2011-06-02T18:53:00.002-05:00

That's how I'm feeling these days. Like I've just gotten off track somehow and I'm not sure what I need in order to get back ON track. I feel like my house is a mess and I am constantly chasing, trying to keep up with it. I know there's a ton of stuff coming up in the next few weeks and I think I've not put it all on the calendar, which is making me anxious. I'm going to CA in 2 weeks from today, to help a friend, which is awesome but also I'm anxious about it, in terms of leaving things in chaos. Money is super-tight right now, and every time I turn around, there's another expense. *sigh*

I know in a few weeks, it'll be so much calmer. School will be out, and I think we all need the break!!

After :)

2011-05-24T19:11:00.002-05:00

Too much to think about!

2011-05-19T19:38:00.003-05:00

1. We survived back-to-back birthday weekends! *phew* Of course my oldest was diagnosed with Strep 2 hours before my daughter's birthday party.

2. Tomorrow night I'll be participating in my town's Relay for Life, a fundraiser for the American Cancer Society. It's an overnight walk - and I've been assigned the 2 am slot for my team. I'd be a bit more psyched if it hadn't been so wet and rainy and depressing, and if I weren't getting over the cold from HELL, which has lasted a good 10 days now. I'm looking forward to it. I'm walking in honor of my dad, a 2-time cancer survivor, and many others. Particularly I'm remember a woman who had a profound influence on my life, who died of breast cancer.

3. We're signing up to host a Fresh Air Fund child this summer! The two coordinators came over and interviewed us and toured the house - which the kids had trashed, it's appalling. *sigh*

4. What else....OOOO, I'm cutting all my hair off on Saturday, I CANNOT WAIT!!!!! It's really long now:

I can't wait to have it GONE!

Enough with the gloom and doom!

2011-05-12T11:40:00.000-05:00

Okay, time to focus on something fun! We're having a busy May in this household - DS2 turned 6 on Saturday! I can't quite believe it! He had 8 buds over for a party, and some wonderful sharing soul gave us all a horrible cold. :) And, my daughter, my baby girl, is turning THREE on this Saturday! Again, how is this possible? She's a total little person!! I am reminded again of how completely lucky I am, how wonderful they are. It's a bit challenging for DS1, who really likes to be in charge and have the attention, but it's a good life lesson to learn - sometimes it's NOT ALL ABOUT YOU. He's doing great but there's been some strain.

So - where are we at. It's mid-May, 6 more weeks of school and then it's all kids, all summer. I decided this year that instead of doing camps, we're doing classes. I think we do better with a regular schedule, and it's going to leave lots of free time for playing, swimming, hanging out. Hopefully the weather will cooperate!

I want and need to get motivated on my own crafting. I have a bunch of fleece socks to wash and send out, which is a bit of an organizational nightmare so I've been putting it off. I need to write up a cover letter and send in my CV for a job I'm interested in. I have lots more decluttering to do here, and of course, knitting/crocheting/sewing. I think I just need to pick on craft project and just commit to it, maybe an hour a day or so. I think I'd feel less overwhelmed if I were getting things done!

Sometimes life is just hard and sad.

2011-05-08T19:52:00.002-05:00

I'm feeling both very thankful that all is okay in my immediate circle, but I feel like I'm hearing a lot of terrible news. A friend's husband died, another friend's mother died, another acquaintance has been diagnosed with cancer, and now a childhood friend of my husband's has committed suicide, while this woman's brother is, at most, days away from dying of ALS (at about age 45).

Suicide just breaks my heart, and makes me so, so angry. I don't even know who to be angry at, you know? It's not that I don't get being that depressed - I do. I really, really do. But I can't help but be angry at the people who succeed, about the devastation they leave behind. Angry at a world that crushes people so that suicide seems like the only possible option. Angry at...I don't know. Just angry. And sad.

I wish I had some sort of deep insight or faith, about why bad things happen. I'm not someone who believes every thing happens for a reason. I think sometimes horrible things just happen. I do believe we can learn and grow through pain, and that grace can come from terrible experiences, but that sure doesn't make it any easier, does it.

Uff da, as my swedish in-laws would say, downer of a post! I guess what I'm trying to hold on to is remember the joy in the world as well. It's not *all* pain - there's so much to love and appreciate, and that's important too. I guess that's what makes the pain bearable.

Where does the time go?

2011-05-07T21:27:00.002-05:00

Today my youngest son is 6 years old. How is this even possible?? Next week, my daughter, my youngest child, turns 3. This feels really significant to me - she is now the age he was when she was born. My oldest will be 8 in September.

My youngest son is, in my completely unbiased opinion, just a wonderful soul. He's my snuggler, my peace maker. He's sweet, sensitive, funny, silly, smart, connected, and just an all-around lovely little guy. He's incredibly endearing. He has this sweet little voice, these huge blue eyes, and the brightest smile. He loves dancing, singing, dinosaurs, imagination games, his stuffed tiger, his tiger suit. We gave him an explorers outfit with accessories today, and he put it on to take a walk and had me take pictures of him demonstrating each thing (the lantern, the binoculars, etc.). Everyone who deals with him, as far as I can tell, really enjoys him. His teachers just love him and tell me all the time how sweet and wonderful they think he is. He's just a joy to be around, even when he's being a pill, and I cannot fathom life without him.

Happy birthday, my darling boy.

Rest in Peace, Krista.

2011-04-28T14:55:00.004-05:00

I didn't know Krista Dittmeyer, but I am haunted by her disappearance and death. The circumstances of her disappearance, specifically, the fact that her young daughter was found alive in the car, are so awful, so painful to think about, that I cry every time I do. A 14 month old is old enough to know that her mother isn't there. As a woman, especially as a mother, it just breaks my heart. In a strange way, I'm thankful she was found so quickly, that her family doesn't have to live with the agony of not knowing.

It also just enrages me. Perhaps I am jumping to conclusions, but there's no evidence that I've seen that suggests she was suicidal or mentally ill. There's no evidence to suggest she put herself in that pond. So someone - no, let's be clear, most likely some MAN - put her there. Not to say that women don't do awful, abusive things, or commit horrible acts. They do. But typically women don't kill other women this way.

I, like so many women I know, live with that undercurrent of fear. Now, I'm a survivor of violence, so I'm probably more wary than most, but I think most women in the US know that they can be victimized. Either by a stranger, or much more commonly, by someone they know. This isn't just an individual experience, it's a cultural phenomenon that leaves me so angry I can barely speak.

And, of course, now I'm the mother of a girl. I am coming to believe that just as I think the ability to swim competently is a necessary life skill, maybe self-defense should be seen the same way for young girls and women. My oldest son has started karate, and I am determined that my daughter will study as well. My younger son has loved gymnastics, but told me recently that he wants to study karate as well. Maybe I should join them.

Survived April Vacation!

2011-04-23T18:29:00.002-05:00

I am so ready for a good night's sleep!! A few months ago I concocted a plan for this vacation which included driving from here to outside of Philly to see my SIL's family for a few days, and then going to NYC. When I told my friends who live in Queens that we'd be doing this, they INSISTED that we stay at their apartment. It's huge (and free) so we accepted gratefully!

We headed off last Sunday. The 6 hour drive took about 8 hours, what with lunch breaks, potty breaks, missed exits and flooding detours. Our days with the family were great! We took the kids too an amazing park which included an 8-story wooden play castle! The next day all the boys headed off to the Philly Zoo while the girl and I hung out, as she had spiked a 104 fever (OF COURSE SHE DID). Wednesday, we headed off to NY.

We got the key to my friend's apartment, dropped our stuff off, hopped on the E train and headed to MOMA. We were there to see Van Gogh's Starry Night at the request of my oldest son. He was amazed by it, it was so cool to see. We looked at some other paintings but the kids were pretty fried, so we headed back to the apartment. We made the kids a simple dinner, and the adults ordered Chinese food later.

Thursday we had tickets to the Statue of Liberty. It was...a challenging day, made more difficult by the TWO HOUR WAIT just to get through security to get on the damn ferry. The kids did not handle it well, in part because we'd screwed up the timing of food so they'd had a bagel snack but no lunch so everyone was whiny. Once we got there and got food into everyone, it was better. I also hadn't taken into account the fact that my oldest son is quite afraid of heights, so the amazing view was lost on him. We had pedestal tickets, which was more than enough for us!

Friday we got up and out of the apartment and got to the American Museum of Natural History before it opened. It was *packed* (no school in NYC on Friday) but the line moved fast. We got tickets to the Sauropod exhibit that just opened, which was pretty cool. Before we went up, we saw the one mummy they have, which was sufficient, and then did dinosaurs. We were there about 2 hours, which exceeded my expectation. I could have done way more, but we were out of time. We ate lunch and then walked around Central Park and watched a wedding.

Today we got on the road and had a good trip back. I had gotten LOTS of stories on DVDs from the library and the kids were mesmerized!!

So, all in all, a decent vacation but now I'm exhausted!

So.

2011-04-10T20:15:00.002-05:00

Knitting - I figured out which pattern the shawl was. It's Swallowtail, of course. And I was just reading some old blog entries and randomly came across the post detailing the casting on of the shawl, and how many yards of the yarn I have! *happy dance* So, I'm going to keep going, if I ever have the energy and time for lace again.

We had some excitement around here this morning. My oldest got up and collapsed on the floor, sobbing in pain. Now, he's a bit of a...drama queen, shall we say, so I don't always take dramatic collapses with sobbing very seriously, as they tend to happen A LOT. But, this was different. It seemed like he was *actually* in pain and couldn't put weight on his leg, because his knee was hurting. After a couple of hours, we decided an urgent care visit was in order. Some friends suggested that since he had strep and flu a few weeks ago, that we might want to have him checked for this. Ped thought it was unlikely, and initially diagnosed a sprain. We were sent off to the hospital for an X-ray with instructions to walk on the leg as much as he could. Thankfully, we were in out of the hospital in less than 1/2 an hour. We got the call a few hours later that there's "something abnormal" on the X-ray. It's just not clear what is going on, or why he's in such pain (though *only* when he puts pressure on it), so the next step is an MRI. The ped did reassure me that this is NOT a tumor or a lesion of any kind, so we're not worried about Big Bad Scary Stuff (well, not much). I'm hoping for the same outcome as we had the last time he had an anomaly on an X-ray, which is to say, it was absolutely nothing, but last time there was no pain involved. Hopefully we can get the MRI in the next couple of days, and see if it's a fracture or not. But how on earth can a kid fracture his knee in his sleep?

And, of course, we're going on vacation in ONE WEEK. A vacation with lots of walking scheduled.

Well that's ONE way to cut down on projects!

2011-04-08T09:31:00.001-05:00

All of a sudden I'm jonesin' to make a shawl (I blame a friend who's been posting gorgeous pattern suggestions). I knew I had a couple on needles, so I pulled out the one with fingering weight yarn, to find that the pattern has disappeared! Honestly, it's been so long I can't even remember which one it was! So, I guess I'll be frogging the tiny bit I have done and starting something new!!

Cleaning Out

2011-04-06T16:50:00.002-05:00

One of my biggest frustrations in our home is that I feel like we just don't FIT here. We have Too Much Stuff and it's just cluttered and chaotic. I find it really stressful, to be honest. Now, I am certainly not naturally neat and organized, AT ALL, but I would like to be more so than I am. I feel like the answer is not to get more and more storage "solutions" but to pare down our stuff so that we actually fit in the space we have.

To that end, today I went through all my clothes (except bathing suits). I am tired of disliking 85% of my jeans! Eddie Bauer used to be my go-to and they changed their sizing and took at least an inch, probably two, off their rise, and now they're just too low. People, I am a 41 year old woman who has born three children. I feel like there's a huge market for well-made durable clothes for women who aren't in their twenties but don't feel over the hill yet! Perhaps if I were willing to spend more, there would be more options. :) It felt so freeing to see the things I'm getting rid of piling up! I even *gasp* threw some things away! I have trouble letting go in more ways than one, so this was a challenge, but a good one.

I now know what I have for spring and summer (if they EVER arrive), and once I finish the eleventy-billion loads of laundry that I've let pile up this week and sorted through that stuff, I'll know where I'm at for cooler weather as well.

Now I just need to do this with all the rest of the stuff in this house and we'll be in good shape!

Tongue Tied

2011-04-04T21:43:00.002-05:00

Whoa, sorry blog!

I think the title says it all...I just don't feel like I have a ton to say right now. Life is feeling very...not overwhelming, exactly, though talk to me in a couple of weeks when we're deep in soccer-gymnastics-dance-karate-school-LIFE. Definitely busy. I'm actually in a really optimistic place right now. We thought the town was going to auction off the land right next to us, which would mean we would be losing 1/3 of our lawn (which is actually town land), but it looks like that's not going to happen, so YAY! We've had a sort of break through in a really challenging family situation (not meaning to be cryptic, I just don't feel like it's entirely my story to tell) and that's also feeling really hopeful. We keep having moments where it looks like Spring might be coming! Of course, then it snows again. I'm just not in a creative place right now, at least not with knitting. I finished a HUGE sewing project - something like 30 pairs of fleece socks for friends. I need to wash them and then send them off. I'm getting that startitis feeling again, but dude, I have so many projects in flight, I think it's making me anxious. I really need to finish a bunch of things before I can start anything else!!

I'm doing a LOT Of picture taking and having a lot of fun. And it looks like I'm going to be able to take this photography class that I've been wanting to do, I got the childcare gap worked out, I think, so YAY for that!

All in all, I feel like I'm in a waiting place right now, trying to see what the next step is. Which is fine, I guess, but I am so not someone who is comfortable sitting in Not Knowing. Which is why I haven't had much to say lately. I've got lots of thoughts though, maybe I need to bring them out more.

Sunday Night Round Up

2011-03-20T18:33:00.003-05:00

It's been a mostly good weekend - some down time, some social time, some church...it's funny, none of the kids will go to Sunday school, and so it's a bit stressful managing them during the service, but we get so many compliments on their behavior, so I guess we're doing something right. Mainly we bring stuff for them to do.

I was deep in my creative flow for a bit, and got sort of waylaid. I thought I'd think about what's in flight, and try and get inspired to finish some things this week! The big one is Sockopalooza, which got waylaid when I ran over a pin and snapped the upper knife on my serger. Yes, I've been told one CAN use the serger without it but I really don't want to! I have the replacement knife (plus an extra), so I just need to figure out how to install it. I only have 6 more pairs to do, and then I can send them out. I know, I really am crazy. :)

Knitting...so much. I started a cute baby hat simply because I have the yarn. I'm envisioning a stocking cap. I've got socks, shawls...I've not been feeling the knitting mojo as much. Crocheting...nothing really. I did one of those newborn nests that I'm going to send to a photographer friend in TX. It's cute! I'll try and get a picture up soon - I just need to weave in the ends.

Life in general...I can't believe it's the Equinox today! YAY! I love that it's getting lighter and lighter! I need to start thinking about our summer schedule! It really shifted this week, we had some glorious warm days, and most of the snow is gone. I've got all sorts of thing popping up in my garden, so exciting! We've gotten so busy - both boys are taking piano lessons, we just started DS1 in karate (which is 2x a week!!), DS is doing gymnastics, DD wants to stop Music Together and try a dance class (we're going to do it at the Little Gym, not a dance studio...I'm very very wary of dance for girls - no eating disorder activities for us), soccer starts soon...*ack* I'm exhausted just thinking about it!!! I need to figure out how to balance all the BUSY stuff that we do with down time for all of us. I *never* wanted to be that family that's totally overscheduled, but unless you make all your kids do the same two activities (and you have three kids), there's no way to avoid it. I know, when soccer starts, that's three activities for the boys...I don't really have a justification for it. We'll see how it goes.

How can this be?

2011-03-18T19:33:00.001-05:00

There's not a single cookie in this house.

That's just wrong. There are *children* here.

In which I admit, once again, that I am a huge geek.

2011-03-17T18:23:00.002-05:00

The weather seems finally to have turned here in Massachusetts. We've got stuff growing in the garden, which really excites me! I'm not quite sure what it is, so that'll be fun to watch. I raked all the dead leaves out today, while the kids played outside. We had a half-day of school for conferences, so DS1 went to a friend's house while DS2 had a friend over. DD has been a whine-a-saurus today, so I was very very glad to be outside. I brought the iPhone docking station outside and blasted music while I gardened. LOVELY.

The geek thing is this...I am a *huge* Glee fan. I have been from the very beginning. These days I can't seem to watch it on TV, so I watch it online the day after (or several days after). For those who don't follow, it's a fun show that has, among other things, gay characters who are out. Well, two of those characters (the completely adorable Darren Criss and Chris Colfer) FINALLY got together with the sweetest first kiss I've seen portrayed in a long time. I'm still giddy! So that's geek thing #1. I've been listening to Glee all day, and dancing around. Geek thing #2. I've gotten Bieber fever. A friend is totally into him and just sent me the complete catalog, so I've also been listening to that. I know, silly.

I think I've got Spring Fever.

Thinking Spring!!

2011-03-14T19:27:00.005-05:00

I actually finished this hat yesterday, but I'm still in recovery mode (turns out the reason I felt like death last week was that I have strep also! I'm doing MUCH better but my energy is still pretty low - hoping tomorrow will feel like a normal day).

Pattern: Crochet Jana Hat (Ravelry Link)

Hook size: J (I think)

Yarn: Tahki Cotton Classic

The flower is taken from Ann Norling's flower hats pattern.

This is yet another attempt to make a spring hat for my daughter. Which in all liklihood she'll never wear, but whatever, I like to make stuff. I made her one hat that's just terrible. Now I'll admit a bit of a prejudice against crochet. I know, it's not good, but there's a lot of stuff that just looks very...1970s to me. Now unlike lots of people I know, I actually lived through the fashion of the 70s. Granted, I was very young, but I was there. The hat I made is a seriously 70s hat. This hat, though, I think is adorable! I love the colors, I love the yarn, I think it's so cute!

In other news...I started another baby hat, knit this time. It may be way too small, I'm not sure. I need to do another few rows and figure out my gauge. I've got lots of ideas, things to work on, and lots of stuff in flight. I am trying to make one of those newborn nest photographer props but I'm using Homespun and if there's a more annoying yarn on the face of this earth, I have yet to encounter it and hope never to do so. Like I've said, I'm a not at all a yarn snob, but this stuff is just HORRIBLE!!!!! I knit one thing once from it and swore never again, and now I'll add crocheting with it to that list. UGH UGH. What a waste of money.

Hope Springs Eternal

2011-03-14T11:14:00.002-05:00

I made something I like!

2011-03-09T14:41:00.005-05:00

And let me tell you, I needed something to go right today. I've had someone home running a fever for a week now: flu, flu, and flu&strep. Not to mention I've had a ton of my own appointments. I think we've spent $140 just in copays in the last 5 days. And I've been getting no sleep, between having a feverish, hallucinating kid in my bed, my ownwretched cold, and then just my own insomnia...WHINE WHINE. Okay, I'm done now.

This is, in case you can't tell, a Bear Hat. It's crocheted, if you can believe it. I think it's a large newborn/smallish 3 month size, but I'm finding gauge hard to measure in crochet. I've looked a lot of hat and bear hat patterns over the last week or so, and this is really an amalgamation of them, I didn't follow any pattern. I'm going to write it out here to the best of my memory, so I can refer to it.

Yarn: Lion Nature's Choice Organic Cotton (I know lots of people scorn Lion brand as "craft store yarn", but you know I'm not a yarn snob. That being said, this yarn is *lovely*, it's so soft and squishy and just scrumptious!) For this hat, I used Khaki for the body (MC) and Strawberry for the edging and the interior of the ears (CC). I also have some Espresso and Almond that I think will be super cute as well. I used most of the ball of Khaki and not a lot of the Strawberry. I probably don't have enough Khaki to reverse the color scheme, but if I hadn't messed up and had to redo the ears, I might have.

Hook size: J for the body of the hat, I for the ears.

Stitches used: hdc and sc. Oh and slip stitch.

Gauge: approx. 2.5 hdc/inch

Notions: a locking stitch marker and a tapestry needle

Note: This hat is worked in a spiral. Mark your first stitch of each row with your marker, so you know where your row ends. You're not chaining any stitches or joining any rounds with a slip stitch.

Foundation row: Chain 3, join with sl stitch in firs stitch to form a circle.

Row 1: 6 hdc in the ring. (6 stitches)

Row 2: 2 hdc in each hdc around (12 stitches)

Row 3: *2 hdc in first st, 1hdc in next st* repeat from * around (18 stitches)

Row 4: *2 hdc in first st, 1 hdc in next 2 sts* repeat from * around (24 stitches)

Row 5: *2 hdc in first st, 1 hdc in next 3 sts* repeat from * around (30 stitches)

Row 5: *2 hdc in first st, 1 hdc in next 4 sts* repeat from * around (36 stitches)

Row 6-15: hdc all around. Join with sl stitch. Cut yarn and bind off.

(At this point I wove in the two ends I had.)

Join pink and sc edging all the way around. Join with sl stitch and bind off.

Note on sizing: It would be very easy to size this up, just continue increasing in the established pattern. Measure your diameter of your circle, multiply by pi to get your circumference, and there you go. I used the very useful Bev's Country Cottage size charts for hat length. I subtract about 1" from her lengths, as these hats are not having a rolled brim.

Ears:

Move to I hook.

Foundation row: Using CC, chain 3, join with sl stitch in firs stitch to form a circle.

Row 1: 6 sc in the ring. (6 stitches)

Row 2: 2 sc in each hdc around (12 stitches)

Switch to MC.

Row 3: *2 hdc in first st, 1hdc in next st* repeat from * around (18 stitches)

Join with sl st and bind off, leaving a long enough tail to use to sew the ear to the hat body. Weave in ends.

Make two. Note on the ears: the first pair I made, I stayed at a J hook and used hdcs. I also made a MC backing and joined the front and back with sc edging. They were very cute, but HUGE and bulky, way too big for this small hat. Using the I hook, the fabric is firm enough that you don't need the backing (I personally think it's cuter but didn't do it that way for this hat). I took them off and redid them, and I'm much happier with the smaller ears. If you were making a much bigger hat, you might want to go to hdcs.

Attach the ears to the body with the tail. Weave in any remaining ends.

Note: it would also be very easy to turn this hat into an ear-flap hat. I used this lady's tutorial, though I think my flaps were one less stitch than hers. I also placed them each on stitch closer to the back.

Learning Curve, Part II

2011-03-06T17:21:00.003-05:00

So, I'm working on this pattern (Ravelry link), using this yarn in Fern (so pretty!!). My first attempt, using an I (5.5 mm) hook, it was clearly going to be absolutely huge. Second attempt, using a J (5.00 mm) hook, I thought it was going to be too small. HA! It fit DD, albeit tightly. The 0-6 month version, that is.

I'm frustrated by my gauge issues. Now, I know part of my frustration is that I'm on kid #3 with the actual flu, which is nasty (even though we've been hit relatively mildly). I got very little sleep last night as I was talking my very feverish 7 year old down from nightmares that were close to hallucinations. But, I am not sure why on one pattern, it's way too small, and on another, it's way too big. There's no gauge listed on this pattern, so I don't know how far off I am. Well, how far off I *was* as I've ripped out attempt number two. I'm now thinking I'll just make my own hat pattern and then add ear flaps. It really doesn't look like it'll be that hard.

Unrelated to this, my husband kicked me out of the house today to get some fresh air, so I took the girlie and we went on a photo walk. I could hear the snow melting, and there were even some patches of brown grass showing in places, and it's the first time I really had hope that Spring may actually come this year!

Learning Curve

2011-03-05T20:33:00.003-05:00

Learning new things isn't always easy - especially not for those of us who have the lovely combination of perfectionism and impatience, with just a hint of narcissistic arrogance thrown in. Okay, I'm not that bad, and I've gotten much better in the last 10 years or so. I know I've talked about it before, but it's so true. Knitting and now crocheting has taught me *so* much about curbing my perfectionism, opening up my patience, and increasing my tolerance for making mistakes. For some reason, I've been on this total crocheting jag. I think because I want to make some hats, quickly, and I don't have a lot of time, so crochet is appealing as it's quicker. For some definition of quicker that seems to include needing to rip out 75% of what I'm making. Yeah, insert eyeroll here.

I started a hat for my daughter, realized I'd screwed up the pattern so I ripped it out and made a different one. I finished it, but I really don't like it, and it's not long enough. I don't know why, I have this problem making hats long enough! Then I made the above-picture hat, which turned out COMPLETELY cute, and I think is even the right not-quite-newborn size that I think will be useful for my friend. That's from some leftover craft-store acrylic that I acquired many years ago. I really struggled with the sizing of the pattern - I'm still new-enough at this to not know if the pattern is off or I'm off. Most likely the latter.

So then I found a cute pattern for a crocheted baby helmet-type hat, and I know my-friend-the-photographer would like one. I was knitting her one, and it was going to be HUGE, like it would fit my almost 3 y.o. daughter. So I ripped that too. I'm having gauge issues, apparently. (This, people, is why I don't usually knit items where gauge matters. I'm also paranoid because she told me that the little pink and purple helmet I did was way too small for her 9 lb niece.) So ANYway. I found this pattern, looked doable, found some really pretty yarn, so I waded in. It's really not hard, actually, but now I'm realizing that it's going to be HUGE. The complete opposite of the problem I had with the Bear Hat, which I had to do a 12-24 month size in order to get a hat that would be a bit loose on DD's baby doll. I think before I rip the hat out, I'll shove it on her head (the daughter, not the doll) and if it goes on her head, I'll rip because I do want a closer-to-newborn size. But not tonight, I've ripped out enough today.

The thoughts, there are many...

2011-03-02T21:03:00.002-05:00

I am finding crocheting a bit perplexing. In a way, it seems like it should be so straightforward, but like any craft, there are nuances.

I'm working on a hat. Using the recommended yarn weight and hook size, my hat is way smaller than it should be, like 3.3" too small in the circumference. I've followed the pattern but it looks like I'm going to have to add another 6 rows or so to make it long enough (for the size I have, not even the size I am trying to knit). I'm wondering if I just crochet so tightly that my gauge is way, way off. I mean, it obviously is off, but why? That's the main thing I can come up with.

And wow, crochet uses a crazy amount of yarn!

Other than that...yeah. Life. It's okay - getting in the swing again. I feel like I've got so many possibilities right now, so many directions that I'm trying to go in. It's exciting but also a bit scary. It's good, I have to keep reminding myself, it's good. Hard and scary doesn't mean bad.

I love math.

2011-02-28T21:16:00.002-05:00

I really do. I think, in part, it's just a good fit for my brain. Much of my (albeit intro) study of formal logic appealed to me in the same way - with the kind of math I like, it's concrete, it's either right or wrong, and you can actually figure things out and know them. For a control freak like me, it's very comforting.

Even though I have approximately 400 projects in flight right now, well, I had a hard day, so I decided to start a project that's been calling to me, a crocheted hat for my little girl. Well, not so little! In about 2.5 months, she'll be three. And she decided to potty train on Saturday. Seriously, she announced she was wearing undies from now on, and that's it. She's doing great, and since it's one of my least favorite moments of parenting, I'm sort of glad she took matters into her own hands and decided to do it. :) Anyway, she's got this cute crocheted hat made out of some sort of straw-type-material and she *loves* it. And it's getting way too small for her. So I thought I'd try to make her a different-but-similar hat. I'd forgotten how crocheting makes my wrists hurt! That hooking, it's tough on the joints. ;) I also chose white, which may not really work with her very fair coloring. Whatever, it's fun and I'm enjoying it.

I made a friend laugh as we had the following text exchange.

Me: I think I must be crocheting tightly. I'm bending this aluminum hook...and I'm only on the second row.

Her: A little tense?

Me: Ya think? Switching to steel.

Her: I love that that's your solution.

It never occurred to me that perhaps I should, you know, loosen up a bit!

The math part is that I need the hat to fit the circumference of her head, but I am crocheting a flat circle. To see if it's big enough, I just measured the diameter, multiplied by an approximation of pi and voila! Circumference.

I think, like most of us in New England, I just need this winter to be over. It's be a tough one. Thankfully we've all been pretty healthy (unlike last winter when we had swine flu, pneumonia, strep, and the stomach flu) but the weather has been hard to take and I've been struggling. I finally acknowledged that things just Aren't Right (again), and that I need some assistance. I'm getting it taken care of, and I'm very confident that all will be well...but it sucks to be back in this dark place. What I've learned from my many bouts of this is that it will pass, and I have enough clarity to know, really? My life is not just fine, but AMAZING. Yes, there's a big stressor (which isn't really my story to tell) but there's so many wonderful things too. This simply feels like neurochemistry gone awry, and so I'm going to correct that.

Hopes and Dreams

2011-02-27T07:13:00.002-05:00

I was incredibly blessed yesterday to be able to go visit a friend and her family, including her 10 day old new little guy. It's been a painful road, and it's wonderful that he's here!

These pictures confirmed some things for me - that I have a *lot* to learn about the art of photography; that I *love* taking pictures (well, I already knew that!) and that I want to pursue a more formal study. I could see what I wanted in my head, but learning how to get that image is something I'm going to need some assistance with. I have A Plan and I think it's doable. It's exciting, it feels like the beginning of a journey that I put off 20 years ago because of time, money and practicality.

The other interesting thing was holding this beautiful little baby. I know many people who are not baby people, they like kids when they get a little older. I have to admit, I'm a sucker for a baby. Holding and snuggling this little guy was just sublime, but I will say, there really wasn't any part of me thinking "Oh man, I wish I could do this again!" I'd love to have a life where I get to have contact with babies...and then give them back!

New Camera Bag

2011-02-24T17:14:00.005-05:00

Of course, it's not new, and it's not really a camera bag...

I came home from VT to a couple of wonderful packages! I've been pondering camera bags and felt like everything I saw was sort of ugly, not my style at all, and most of them screamed "I'VE GOT AN EXPENSIVE CAMERA IN HERE!!!" It's odd, I'm not a bag person, as I've said, but I have a great fondness for diaper bags. One company, Ju Ju Be, has well-designed bags with a lot of great features. Since I've not been into buying new bags for a couple of years, I was unaware that they'd come out with the BFF (let me note that I did NOT pay that for the bag!). It's a larger bag, but not overwhelming and I thought it might work for a camera bag. I also ordered this insert, which fits perfectly in the bag. I am not entirely sure how to configure it. But right now I've got it so there's one big compartment for the camera body with 50 mm lens attached, and then two smaller compartments - one for the battery charger and one for my kit lens (18-55mm). I know I'm going to want a longer zoom, which may or may not work in this insert. We'll see. But, since we've got our Big Trip coming up in April, I think this will work! I can also fit a Be Quick with 2 pulls ups and a pack of wipes on top of the insert, and the front pocket is big enough for my wallet and sundries. I can also fit some more in this bag with these things, it'll be stuffed and they'd have to be small, but it could work. I'm hoping only to carry one bag on the trip, and I know I'm going to want my camera with me.

A few pictures:

Insert with camera (Nikon D5000 with 50 mm lens attached)

BFF with Insert

BFF with Insert and Be Quick

Well, so much for that!

2011-02-23T20:32:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow we're heading home. On the one hand, I'm not looking forward to it, but on the other...I am. I love my family, and it's wonderful to be so close with them, but it's hard to be a visitor. My kids are...well, spirited at times, especially my oldest, and he can be a real handful to manage. I had what I think is a MAJOR insight into my relationship with him and why it can be so challenging - all on my part, nothing on him, and I'm hoping it's something I can work with. I get so angry and impatient sometimes, and I have to keep reminding myself, HE'S 7!!! He's just a *little kid*! He's not easy, but I am the grown up, for whatever that's worth.

It's been a good visit. COLD. I'm really, really looking forward to Spring. I know, like everyone else in New England. It's been a tough winter and I'm ready for it to be over. Soon, right? I mean, I don't want to wish my life away or anything, but I'm ready for less cold, less snow, more light, more warmth! This spring may bring some really cool things to my life, and I'm excited.

I think I've said this before, but every time I come home to visit, I am reminded that this really is *home* for me. In many ways I'd lovelovelove to move back here. It's just not logistically possible, but it's a nice dream. And, in any case, I can visit.

So, tomorrow, back to my regular life. I can't wait to see my lovely husband and my sweet kitties. It will be good to be home!

We made it!!

2011-02-20T20:47:00.001-05:00

We're here at my parents' house! Yes, it's not a vacation in the sense of lying on the beach drinking a margarita or anything, but the thing that's so awesome is not having to be in charge of any of the cooking or cleaning! Dude, I *hate* cleaning.

That's not actually true, as I think about it...I don't hate cleaning, what I hate is not having the time or energy...or having them and having my efforts TRASHED 20 seconds later, which is what happens and is so demoralizing.

I'm also coming to grip with the idea that we're just DROWNING in STUFF and we really, really need to get rid of it. I'm so bad at letting go of things, and we just need to do it. I need to get inspired. If I could have a week at home with no kids or husband, I think I could get a lot done, but that's not happening any time soon!

Anyway, I'm hoping to keep up the posting while here, we'll see!

Vacation, all I ever wanted...

2011-02-18T20:11:00.002-05:00

Vacationing with kids is a slightly different experience than vacation without kids. When the kids were littler, honestly, I really disliked going anywhere because it was all the same work but with none of the comforts of home. Going to my parents' house was sort of an exception to that attitude, because my mom has gone above and beyond to provide a kid-friendly experience. Why am I talking about this? It's school vacation week and I'm taking the kids off to visit my parents, without DH. It's not that big a deal, I do this 2-3 times a year. But it is a 4 hour drive with just me, and my oldest is getting to the point where I don't want him going into a restroom at a rest area alone, but he's 7, and it's getting weird to bring him into the ladies room. And DD has decided to potty train herself, so it's going to be interesting.

I did some actual knitting today, in anticipation of the visit. I have almost finished the first one of these for myself. I've apparently already knit a pair for my oldest already, and I have the yarn for a pair for my middle kid. I had a pair and loved them, and wore them out, so a new pair (or two) is necessary. And, they'll match my frog jammies. I'd love to get these all knit over the time I'm there, so I can felt them in my mom's top loading machine. I wonder why I call it my mom's machine when it's my dad who does all the laundry? Anyway. I really like this pattern, it's one of those things where never in a million years could I have come up with something like this, and it's so clever! And you're knitting on big fat needles, so it goes quickly!

So, there's a lot to get done before we go, and I can't do any of it on Sunday (the day of departure) because we're going to church and then leaving from there. And tomorrow, my MOA (that's "made of awesome") friend is taking all three kids for the afternoon and feeding them dinner (HOLY CRAP IT IS REALLY POURING AND WINDY OUT THERE!!!), so DH and I can have a date. Which we really, really need.

But, tonight I'm going to go catch up on Glee.

Good News!

2011-02-16T19:55:00.003-05:00

I got a wonderful piece of news today, and I've been grinning all day because of it. Since it's not my story to tell, I won't, but I'll just say that someone who deserves something wonderful had it happen. And that's always nice, isn't it?

Crazy-busy day today! I did manage to get some knitting in at the library while my daughter ignored story hour and played with trains. She informed us tonight when asked what she had done today, "I poked someone really hard in the head." *sigh* I didn't hear any crying so I guess it wasn't too bad. She's a feisty one. I knit a few inches on her hat, and I'm thinking it may be too small, even though it's the same number of stitches as the curly ear flap hat that's too big. Knitting is baffling some times.

Here's my big boy getting cozy with Santa.

Gear Hound

2011-02-15T22:52:00.002-05:00

I'm sure I've written about this before, but those who know me, know that I...well, I really like gear. Whatever I'm into at the moment, I'm sure to learn all about the STUFF that goes along with it. I can be a tad ~~obsessed~~ focused about such things, one might say.

One such obsession was diaper bags. It's a bit odd, really, as I was never a bag person before I had kids. Seriously, I've carried some version of a backpack my entire adult life. But once I had a kid, I became enamored of the idea that there might be that one fantastic bag that would make my life easier! Once I had two kids under the age of 2, well, I needed some sort of hope that something would make it easier. :) Then someone turned me onto the baby bags group on Yahoo, and I'm a bit embarrassed to say how many lovely bags have made their way into my home.

Now, my youngest is headed towards 3 (HOW DID THAT HAPPEN) and, coincidentally, seems to be potty training herself, so my need for a diaper bag has faded. But now I'm rehooked on photography and have been looking at camera bags. They're all...ugly. Or if not ugly, then fancy girly high-end purse looking, which also is sooo not me. And most of them, to me anyway, seem to scream "Hey! I have a really expensive camera in here!" It occurred to me that I have many lovely bags which could work for putting things in. The fact that I have many lovely bags didn't stop me from dropping the rest of my birthday/Christmas money on another gorgeous bag, but more importantly, I found a camera insert that I really hope will work well! Sadly, it's shipping from South Korea (we'll see if it ever gets here, I suppose), so it won't be here until March, but hopefully it will be here in time for April vacation and our planned odyssey to visit the cousins in Philly and Starry Night at MOMA in NYC. I'll let you all know how it works!

Happy Valentine's Day!

2011-02-14T20:39:00.003-05:00

My Valentine's Day has consisted of my usual Monday routine, except during my time off while my girlie was at baby swap, I got a tooth prepped for a crown. And my husband is taking his time off tonight, so I had dinner/bath/bedtime duty solo. S'okay, we got through it.

I got a few rows of DD's non-ear-flap hat knit while at Little Gym for DS#2's gymnastics class. The woman sitting near me was intrigued by the self-patterning yarn. Apparently she used to be a knitter but said she hadn't bought yarn in many years, and didn't really know what was out there. I restrained myself mightily, figuring if I demonstrated the depths of my obsession, she'd think I was, well, crazy. Which I am, a little...or a lot, I guess, depending on how you think about it. I just said something along the lines of "oohh, there are a lot of nice yarns out there."

I was remembering my very first Valentine's Day with DH. We'd been dating for about 3.5 months, but had already decided to get married (yes, we got unofficially engaged 2 months after we met). He took me out to a lovely dinner, bought me flowers, and we saw a sappy movie. Ahh, those were the days! Things sure have changed! I think, though, the only thing I'd change about today (well, other than the very expensive dental work) would be to have had him here with me! Life is so busy and so full of the mundane details of it all, it's easy to lose sight of the other person that you're sharing this life with. When we have those moments to reconnect, such as this weekend, it's so lovely to be reminded that I not only really love my husband, I really *like* him too.

"Because the condition of marriage is worldly and its meaning communal, no one party to it can be solely in charge. What you alone think it ought to be, it is not going to be. Where you alone think you want it to go, it is not going to go. It is going where the two of you-and marriage, time, life, history, and the world-will take it. You do not know the road; you have committed your life to a way." -Wendell Berry

More Socks

2011-02-13T14:10:00.003-05:00

My MIL was here for the weekend, and was admiring my fleece socks, so I offered to make her some. She picked out a couple of different fabrics, and as things went on around me, I put them together. It took about a half hour, and she was thrilled. I realized that I've gotten very comfortable with the pattern, as in, I don't use it anymore at all. But, I figured I've probably made about 50 pairs of these things at this point! I'm a bit nervous, I really do prefer sewing them with the serger and it's so much fast, but I'm concerned about the inside seam. I really hope they're still comfy!

And then since I had the sewing machine out, I made my younger son a neck warmer to go with his hat.

Too tired to think of a good title.

2011-02-13T00:09:00.001-05:00

I love the fact that there are quirky people in the world, happy to be doing their quirky thing.

I went to a Regency ball tonight, and it was a blast! Which probably makes me one of those quirky people, huh?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

TGIF

2011-02-11T20:46:00.002-05:00

Today I was reminded that I have amazing and wonderful friends. Some of them even read this blog and commented. :)

In the interests of reminding myself of the good things, here's an AMAZING thing that happened!

WE GOT DH'S BIKE BACK!

Well, technically it's not back yet. Two nights ago, my neighbor called and said "I know it's a long shot but when I was stuck in traffic in town, I noticed a bike stuck in a snow bank at the Congregational Church. It has straight handle bars and a bell, and I know your husband had a bell." Husband checked it out and it's his bike! The whole thing is so weird to me, but whatever, I'm so glad for him! It's supposed to hit close to 40 tomorrow, so we should be able to get it out.

In other news, we had an okay day other than DD spiking a fever of 102. I knit about 10 rounds on a baby hat, so I'm getting into my groove. I probably won't get much done tomorrow, but maybe Sunday I can do some work.

No Words

2011-02-10T20:48:00.002-05:00

It's the question, isn't it, on a blog...how much of myself to reveal. I had a major upset tonight. There's much work to be done. Tomorrow, I hope to put one big piece into place.

It's hard to be human sometimes.

No progress

2011-02-09T20:30:00.002-05:00

On much of anything. Many other things swirling around in my head, and it seems to be getting in the way of getting anything done right now. I'm taking some steps to make some changes, which is good, but big.

We had a good day today, and it looks like we'll get a full week of school in this week! After all those snow days, I'd forgotten how busy a typical day is! I got nothing done, not even exercise today. Hopefully I'll do better tomorrow!

A couple of quick projects.

2011-02-08T14:33:00.002-05:00

I made these today using this pattern. They're very easy and quick to make (which is funny given how much they cost to buy!). The monster one is for my oldest, and matches his hat. The owls are for my daughter, and match hers! I learned a few lessons. The first one, I screwed up and sewed the short side first which gives you a tube that stretches up and down, not across. Don't do this. Both of these, in retrospect, I made "upside down" meaning that I'd prefer the seam on the bottom instead of the top. Oh well, I'll know better next time! Given that we *need* to play outside this afternoon, I think they'll come in handy! Now I just need to whip one up for the other kid or he's going to be very sad.

It's been a long day.

2011-02-07T21:02:00.003-05:00

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm in awe of single parents - particularly parents who aren't in a shared custody situation. Today my DH left before the kids got up, and it's his night "off" so he won't be home for another hour or so. It makes for a long day with my darling cherubs. Daughter was off at baby swap this morning, so I came home and was ALONE. IN MY HOUSE. That almost never happens! I really wanted to spend my 2 hours on making things, but I was responsible and did a little cleaning and then swapped out all of the girl's clothes for the next size up. I packed up 3.5 big garbage bags to pass along to a friend (who is a single mom to three), and another bag of boy stuff to pass along as well. I think we're pretty well set for spring and summer clothes for the kids. It's crazy to be thinking ahead, since there's still 3 feet of snow out there, but it's coming, I know it is!

I also managed to yoga today. It's not relaxing, exactly, to have a small person chattering away and lying on top of you, but she's good company. I haven't done anything physical since I hurt my foot a week and a half ago, so it felt really really good to move my body. My foot isn't 100%, for sure, but I didn't make it worse.

So, I knit approximately 4 rows on a hat and that's about it. I also didn't take any pictures today! I need to get pictures of all the kids and their haircuts...which they all gave themselves.

On Building Community

2011-02-06T20:20:00.002-05:00

We've been out here in this small town for just over 3 years, and I think it took about 2 years to really start feeling like we've found a good community of friends. There's a group of us - 5 families, so 10 adults and 14 kids, and we get together about every 6 weeks or so. One family had a Super Bowl party today. It's pretty much as chaotic as you'd imagine, the kids range in age from 11 to 2.5. But they all get along really well, and the adults all get along really well, and it's getting easier and easier as we build this history of hanging out. I didn't have anything like this growing up, and I love that our kids will have it. I love the idea of seeing these kids grow up - together. One woman commented on thinking about going to the kids' weddings some day. It's really really neat.

It's hard as an adult, to find your place in a community. Also, my personality is such that I've never really been part of an clique. I tend to have friends from really different parts of my life, and move from group to group. I've been feeling a bit...unsettled about it lately, so it was SO nice to have a great time laughing, hanging out, talking, with a group of people that I'm coming to feel really close with.

I am so, so weak.

2011-02-05T19:01:00.002-05:00

So, my lovely husband and I are going to this ball with a friend so I went to her house and tried on some of her dresses to see if I could find something to wear. I did, but we want to add a ribbon under the bust, and since I saw a Joann on the way home, I swung in. Anti-pill fleece was 40% off and they had the cutest alien print that I haven't see at my local Joann. And a cute polka fleece that will be perfect for socks. A friend pointed me towards this pattern for double-layer neck gaiters, so I want to make the kids those. Call me paranoid, but handing 5 and 7 year old boys the means to strangle themselves and others in the form of a scarf seems....silly. So yes, I did bring more fleece into my house.

I'm also trying to do the seed-stitch version of the ear flap and figuring out the increases is taking a while. I've got it, but I keep forgetting to do in the increase row. And I think I need to make a smaller size than the pattern calls for since I'm using heavier yarn (it calls for DK and I'm using Cottontots).

So, things are brewing but nothing really got done today. Oh, I did cast on a simple hat for DD in that self-patterning yarn, but I knit 1.5 rows and got tired of it.

Guilt.

2011-02-04T20:28:00.003-05:00

So, you can see, blocking did help, but the ear flaps do poof up a bit. I think the hat is just to be for my girl. I popped it on my younger boy and it fit him better. And it's green, so he loves it.

Dorothy commented on my last post about how she's working on doing her own knitting, at her own pace, and not feeling guilty about it. It's amazing to me, how insidious my guilt is - it creeps in and takes over, and just poisons life. I'm very prone to guilt, and I've come think that there's something in my oddly-wired brain that just pushes me in this direction - to be hard on myself, perfectionistic, guilty...and it's a no-win situation. I work on being "less hard" on myself and then I feel guilty and like a total slacker. This is stuff I've been working on for a good 20+ years now, and I've come a long way, but there's more to do.

For example, in a fit of insanity/generosity, I offered to make fleece socks for an on-line group of friends. I did this before, and I liked doing it. And now, the serger makes sewing the socks really quick and very fun, so it's not a hardship. But, I didn't do any yesterday, and I'm tired tonight. I started the day with an emotional storm - our driveway is very steep and icy and I just about couldn't get the car out. When I thought I was stuck (and took the passneger side mirror off my van on the snowblower which is going to be $500 to fix), and was going to miss some things I both needed and wanted to do, I had...well, let's be honest, a temper tantrum. I cried, I swore, I was angry at myself for damaging the car, pissed at the driveway and just not happy. I did get the other car out and was able to do not only the stuff I needed to do, but some really fun stuff as well. But then I came home and spent an hour and a half chopping ice up on the driveway, and the snowblower broke. So, it's been a day of highs and lows. Wait, what was my point? Oh yes! I'm *tired*. I'm feeling emotionally drained - I'm still working through the end of a friendship, I'm making some new friends which is awesome but scary, I've been really busy lately and I have a lot to do this weekend. So, I don't *want* to make socks tonight, I don't really *want* to do any knitting, I want to research how much it might cost to put a sauna in our basement and read one of my new books from the library and go to bed. So that's what I'm going to do.

I'm pretty sure this can't continue...

2011-02-03T19:27:00.005-05:00

...but today, I knitted a hat. I really think she likes it, don't you?

I know, mean mommy taking a picture when she was melting down (because I was taking the picture). She's been very, very two today. Which is utterly amusing at times, and at times, well, less so.

Anyway, this was the yarn I picked up at the Woolpack the other day because the lime greens pick up the greens from her coat. This yarn is very *enh*, IMO. It's 75% acrylic, and it's obviously curling dramatically in the stockinette stitch - and this is *with* a crochet edging. I've soaked it and I'm pressing it flat with a book to see if that does anything. It's a cute hat, and the patterning was minimal enough that I was able just to go with it and it didn't make me crazy, but if I can't get it to relax and settle down, I doubt I'll let her wear it out of the house. If this attempt at "blocking" doesn't work, I'll run it through the washer. I used a different pattern this time (Ravelry link here). It's pretty similar, and again the ear flaps seem enormous to me. This one, however, has you simply knit the second ear flap and then start casting on with the backwards loop method. Also, the fact that your row begins and ends behind the left ear flap makes my OCD self a skosh crazy. All that being said, it's a perfectly nice and doable pattern, if you're not wired like me. :) I knit this on 7s, and didn't make the body of the hat the full 5.5" (I made the child size) because it was already a bit too long. I think my next version of this will go back to Cottontots and I'll try a seed stitch on the flaps and the band of the hat.

It's funny, I'm in the midst of doing a lot of making things for other people, and it felt a bit selfish to make something for, well, not me, but one of mine. I have to keep reminding myself that it's okay, this is a *hobby* and the whole point is to bring me joy. And I get to choose what I do when.

I know it seems like I'm a real prolific crafter, and I'm really really not. I can seriously go months and months without finishing anything!! Part of this is that I'm doing very small projects which are easy to finish, and part of it is that my kids are back in school and I've got a bit more time. And when my choice is between doing something fun and crafty or cleaning my house...well, you can probably guess what I choose. :)

Hey! More snow!

2011-02-02T20:00:00.006-05:00

And yet another snow for the kids. This is the 5th in 4 weeks, and the last of the ones we had built into the calendar. We have a lot of snow on the ground, but the roads are clear and the driveway's clear. We finally bought a snowblower this year. We moved here in January of '08, and we have a long and steep driveway. We've done a lot of shoveling; we had a plow service one year to the tune of several hundred dollars, and now, the snowblower. I *love* it. We specifically got one that I can manage. I am, to be fair, a gadget-lovin' woman. I like gear, it's just my nature. But this makes it totally doable to clear the driveway, and since we just another foot and a half of snow, it needed clearing a couple of times. ANYWAY. I'm pretty sure no one cares about my joy in clearing my driveway.

I've been massively productive today. I've got about 25 pairs of socks to make (yes, that's right, I am truly crazy) and I got 7 done. I also finished the Ear Flap Hat.

It's a cute and not difficult pattern, but I'm not thrilled with this version of it, for a couple of reasons. I feel like the flaps are HUGE. It may be that this is just a bit bigger-than-newborn, and it wouldn't look too weird an on actual baby, but I don't happen to have one of those anymore, so no way to know. I added a crochet edging to help it lay flat since this yarn is nylon and acrylic, so it's not going to block. I knit this on 7s, and the ball band calls for 6s. I think they would have been better, the fabric is a bit loose for my taste in baby hats. The next version of this I do, I'm not doing the garter edge on the ear flap, and I'll plan just to do the crochet edging, and that will work better and look nicer. I'm definitely going to do a moss stitch edging as well.

Mainly, though, I'm just not diggin' the yarn. It's very soft, true, but the dyeing is just bizarre to me. It claims a "delicate stripe effect." This is what I got. There are a few places where it almost seems like it wants to be variegated, but then says, no no, I'll just stripe. The stripe transition is this weird thing of 4-5 stitches of blue, then the same of white. It repeats this a few times and then just switches color. Very odd. I don't like it for this project.

No pictures but craftiness has occurred!

2011-02-01T20:41:00.004-05:00

In part no pictures because I just sent some excellent socks off to a dear friend who's been played a *seriously* crappy hand in life, and I thought she needed some fun socks, but she hasn't gotten them yet. I knew I was FINALLY going to make it to the post office today, so I made a couple of pairs for her last night.

My serger was frustrating me - I think I need to take some lessons. I want to figure out how to do an actual flat overlock seam. I followed the various instruction manuals and it just did not work. I think it'll make the fleece socks even more excellent and comfortable! It also occurred to me that I should shorten the stitch width so that the bump inside is smaller. I'm beat, so I think I'm going to knit instead tonight. You might have heard, there's a big of a storm going on. DD and I braved the snow this morning and ran some errands. Flannel was on sale at Joann for $2.50 a yard, so I got some for Project Linus blankets. Sadly I forgot to buy a new pad and cover for my ironing board (mine shredded in the wash), so that project's on hold for the moment.

It might not look like much, but we had a yummy dinner tonight! I made The Pioneer Woman's Butter Chicken, with a few modifications: I used olive oil instead of butter to cook the onions, I cut the cayenne in half and upped the savory spices, chicken thighs instead of breast meat, and I added paneer because that can't be wrong. Oh and I used 1/2 and 1/2, not heavy cream. Still, SO VERY GOOD! My friend just passed along a recipe for Saag Paneer which I can't wait to try!

They've already cancelled school for tomorrow, which, if the predictions are even close, is the right call. We live in a very hilly neighborhood and I was a bit nervous about the bus making it up the hill! I think it's going to be UGLY tomorrow. Luckily, I've got a few things that didn't make it out from Christmas stashed in the closet, so I may pull those out. One problem is that my husband is putting down laminate flooring in the playroom, so the kids can't, you know, play in there. The house is going to be a DISASTER by tomorrow night. Well, not like it isn't already, I guess! Thank god for lots of friends in the neighborhood, maybe we can go visiting tomorrow.

I'm working on using all this weather as practice for being in the moment and going with the flow, which is not something I'm great at. And I keep reminding myself, my kids are heading towards the age (at least the oldest) where he's not going to want to have anything to do with me, so better enjoy him now while I can.

Not a crafty post.

2011-01-31T17:38:00.002-05:00

We've had to change our schedule because my younger son is now in full-day kindergarten on Fridays, so we switched to a Monday at 4pm gymnastics class. The class is going to be great, but figuring out how to manage my other two kids throughout it is going to be challenging. My oldest is a highly intense kid and it takes a lot of work to get through most things with him. And I'm just a bit tired, that's all.

I didn't get a chance to work on socks or hat today, nor did I make it to the post office. Tomorrow, I guess. In the morning, since Snowpocalypse, Feb 2011 is hitting tomorrow. You know, I get it, it's New England, it's winter, but this is feeling very unrelenting. I'm concerned about the ice much more than the snow. Snow we can shovel and snow-blow, but ice? We could be locked in here for a while! We have already purchased our Storm Milk, but I'm out of fresh parm, and no sane person could really expect me to get through another huge storm without parm, right??

On the mend.

2011-01-30T19:12:00.005-05:00

You know, being forced to sit a whole bunch and knit sounds like my ultimate fantasy and yet...well, I won't say it was miserable (though WOW does my back hurt now!) but it wasn't all glorious. Perhaps because (a) I'm used to being pretty active and (b) it's not like the rest of my life stopped! My house is a DISASTER area now. Oh well. What can you do? I did get the hat done!

From looking at the pattern and doing the math - she's expecting you to get 4 sts per inch, so her medium hat should get you a 20" hat. Even though it's a stretchy knit, that wasn't going to work for my friend's father. And, I was getting more like 5.5 sts/inch. So I ended up casting on 112. That's a lot of stitches so this hat went much more slowly than I anticipated. She also expects that you get 6 rows/inch and I was getting more like 4.5. So, for the 4" cuff, I did 22 rows. For the body of the hat, I did another 22 rows, and then, curiously enough, had 22 rows of decreases.

I love the top of this, it really has a neat swirl to it! The yarn for this is Malabrigo Worsted (ahhhhh) and I knit this on size 7s. It's a lovely squishy fabric, and should be very warm. Perhaps too warm for a chemo cap, which it is, but the gentleman does live in South Dakota, so I hope he gets some use out of it. Either way, it's being sent with lots of good will.

I have one more baby hat in mind for my photographer friend but it's not happening tonight. I'm very tired and achy. I'm also doing Sockopalooza 2001. I did this last year - ended up making and sending out a whole bunch of fleece socks for a group of on-line friends. It was sort of crazy but fun, and I'm back to drowning in fleece (damn Joann and its 50% off sales!), so I made the offer again! Now that I have the serger, I'm going to try some new stitches and see if I can eliminate the seams inside. I'm ridiculous excited to play with this.

I'd joke about what a geek I am, but we all know it's true. I just have to embrace it at this point. I'd also say I have to get out more, but I was actually out both Friday (PTA fundraiser at the school, which I worked, very fun) and Saturday night (surprise birthday party for a friend). So, basically, I am a big geek who loves gadgets, tools, and crafting.

Since my foot is not miraculously better....

2011-01-29T08:54:00.002-05:00

...looks like I'm going to be sitting on the couch knitting for most of the day.

Silver lining, I suppose!

Ow.

2011-01-28T16:17:00.004-05:00

I managed to capture a great shot of my son last night, and as I was moving quickly into the kitchen to show it to my husband, my feet shot out from under me and my foot made a funny sound and I went down *hard*. It was still really painful today, so I had an xray - thankfully it's not broken, just sprained, and I can hobble around, but it's a bit annoying. Today is just one of those days - I had three kids with me this morning (my daughter and two friends), so I took all three with me to the doctor's office. Thankfully they do xrays on-site! Then I had"meet the bus, go to gymnastics, meet the bus, get oldest son to his piano lesson." Now I'm waiting for oldest to get home, and then we head to the elementary school for Winterfest! Which I have to work. With my three kids. And no co-parent. I am really, really looking forward to a hot bath and a glass of wine. So, needless to say, nothing on the creative front. I'm going to try and do a little knitting now, while I have a moment.

I do have to post a picture from my son's gymnastics show.

He takes gymnastics at The Little Gym which is all about teaching kids in a noncompetitive environment. The staff at our local one is great - so enthusiastic and engaged with the kids. My younger son is very coordinated and strong and I was *really* impressed with how far he's come this year! He has a great time and I think having something that he does, that he's good at, that his big brother doesn't do, is really great for him!

I will also just mention how much I love my camera. I love that it's fast enough to actually get these kinds of shots!

Moving towards compassion...and a bunch of other stuff.

2011-01-27T17:14:00.005-05:00

So, first things - I finished another hat! This is knit from KP Chroma Worsted. I knit this on size 7s. It's 90 stitches cast-on, about an inch of twisted ribbing then just stockinette. I think I knit the body to about 6" then did decreases in sections of 10.

I love the yarn, I love the striping, I love the colors, I love the fabric. What I don't love is that it's just a wee bit too small. It's long enough, as I've learned that I like my hats to really cover my ears - this is New England, after all. It fits me, but it's fairly tight and I don't think I'm going to wear it. I think it looks adorable on my daughter, and either she can wear it, or all I find someone with an even small and pointier head than mine to give it to. I have more than 1/2 the skein left, so I could knit myself another one. I've got lots of other things to work on, so we'll see.

In other thoughts...I've been struggling to come to a place of compassion. Apparently our local commuter rail stations are targets for bike thieves, with the speculation that people are fencing the stolen bikes for drug money. I had that moment of realization that if you're stealing bikes for drug money, well, your life really, really sucks. My husband and I are so, so blessed. We have our marriage, our family, our home, our health...we have so much. So, bike thief, my guess is you're already living your punishment. And, we'll find the money for a new bike so my sweetie can keep doing the thing he loves to do.

I was incredibly lucky to be able to attend a conference that had the Dalai Lama as a main speaker the first day. They had a panel discussion, where many of the organizers and big names in psychotherapy were able to ask him questions. They all asked questions in a similar vein, along the lines of "So, you say you have to have compassion for everyone. But that's, like, totally impossible! I work with people who were TORTURED! I can't have compassion for those perpetrators. So, what do I do?" And with every question, the Dalai Lama said "No, really, compassion for everyone." (That's, of course, way paraphrased.) I am so far from being a good Buddhist, but it's a philosophy I've been drawn to for about 20 years. But compassion for everyone? Man, that's hard.

We got another foot or so of snow last night, so no school today. The kids have yet to have a complete week of school this calendar year! While we were spending the afternoon outside, I took a bunch of pictures. This isn't quite the picture I wanted to take, but I'm still learning the camera. My main problem was that I couldn't get the angle I wanted, I kept sinking into the snow. I also went wading into the woods in hip-deep snow to get some other shots. Again, they're not quite what I was envisioning. I've been working on using Ken Rockwell's FART technique (my inner 12-year-old boy just snickered) but I clearly need more training and practice.

I cast on the Marsan Watchcap for my friend's dad. I knit a few rows and looked at it. The gentlemen is apparently well-endowed in the cranial sense, if you will, and I just thought...this isn't going to be big enough. The pattern calls for 80 stitches, expecting you to be getting 4 sts to the inch. I was getting closer to 5, so the 96 I cast on was not going to be enough. I restarted it with 112, we'll see. In looking at my Ravelry notes on the one I did for my BIL, who also has a GINORMOUS head, I did 108 stitches, so this should be comparable. I'd like to get it finished this weekend, so I can send it out on Monday. If you're the praying or vibing sort, this gentleman could use some prayers, it's not a good situation.

Some people just suck.

2011-01-26T20:44:00.004-05:00

Especially people who steal people's bicycles from the commuter rail station. GRRR. I am beyond pissed. My dear sweet husband had a crappy day and even crappier commute home, and showed up at the train station to find his bicycle GONE. I had a more cheerful post in mind, but this is sort of taking my focus right now. I hate feeling helpless. I know, in the grand scheme of things, that it's just a THING, and it's just MONEY, but it's not like we have tons of money to replace it, and it's the primary thing that gets him to the train station and home each day. He's put a lot of effort and energy and money into that bike and it just SUCKS. I just have to keep reminding myself that many people are really good and decent, and not to lose faith because someone was a TOTAL ASSHOLE. *ahem* (Sorry for the swearing.)

Okay. Anyway.

I went by the yarn store today, and OH MY, look what happened! I've been wanting that Ann Norling pattern, the hats are just terribly cute. So, from the left, that's 3 skeins of Takhi Cotton Classic, a favorite of mine for baby hats. Someone needs to have a baby girl, that's all I'm saying. Then that's a skein on Malabrigo, for a friend's father, who is going through chemo. I want to get that done really soon and sent off. I'm planning the Marsan Watchcap for him. I don't know him at all, so I'm hoping the subdued manly colors will be okay. And who wouldn't love Malabrigo, right? I was going to start it tonight but I'm so bent out of shape, I don't think that's the vibe I want for a chemo cap. The next is some random yarn that just happens to pick up the VERY LIME GREEN of my daughter's new winter coat. It's self-patterning, which I know I swore I'd never knit again because it makes me crazy, but the color is really perfect. Hat, maybe mittens too? The last is some baby yarn for yet another hat for my photographer friend.

Anyway, sorry for the cranky and boring post. Here's a picture of my kitty. He makes me happy.

3rd? 4th? 5th? times the charm!

2011-01-25T21:40:00.003-05:00

I'm not really sure which iteration this is! But I think this is it! Again with the creepy baby doll model. It's not that creepy in real life, honest.

I think this is it. I mean, obviously I no longer have a newborn and that's the final test, well, and I have to see if the photographer wants it! But I made it a bit deeper, did two row stripes, and did it all stockinette and finished it off with a crochet edging. I think it's really quite cute!!

Not so much knitting tonight...

2011-01-24T20:30:00.002-05:00

It's not that it hasn't been a knitting sort of day, it actually really has. A friend and kids came and hung out this afternoon, and she and I sat and knit, and then tonight I was just working on yet another baby hat (2 row stripes, and all stockinette, and I'm planning on a crochet edge). It's also been a photography sort of day.

I took this picture today - this is with some processing, not a ton (as I have neither the knowledge nor software for serious processing). I'm obviously still learning my new camera and lens, and having a blast. I also had printed some pictures of the kids I took, and framed them today, as well as some more of the professional pictures we'd had done. I tell you, the joy of seeing my own pictures framed and thinking "that's not a bad picture!" is just...profound. I'd forgotten how much I *love* this art form. When I was shooting a lot in my late teens and early 20s, I did no portraits, they didn't interest me. Now they really do. I have so much to learn, it's so exciting!

Also, have I mentioned how much I really love crystals? This crystal is hanging in my minivan, which is probably as a big a cliche as can be, but whatever. I am who I am - a soccer mom with a crystal hanging in my van.

I do want to get this baby hat done, but I also really just want to take an evening and do some more photography stuff (I took a bunch of pictures of my friend's adorable little girl and I want to see if any came out). And I want to read, another huge passion of mine. So I'll call the 10 rows I've done enough and finish it tomorrow.

Back to the baby hats...

2011-01-23T19:49:00.004-05:00

(Please ignore the creepy doll and focus on the knitting, thanks.)

So, another iteration of the baby helmet. This is getting closer, but it's not there yet. I think I got the size right for a newborn - it fits my daughter's doll, who was originally my oldest son's doll, named Baby James (we were listening to a lot of JT at the time, what can I say?), who has a head circumference of 13.5", so newborn size. I think it needs about 4 or 5 more rows of depth. I'm not sure about the pink and purple striping, I think they may be too close together. And, on the next iteration, I'm going to do the whole thing in stockinette and then do a crochet edging and see if that looks nice. I've got a pretty pale blue, and I think a white border would look nice on it.

This is knit on 7s, using Bernat Cottontots, which I really like. It's very soft, nice to knit with, and of course, machine washable and dryable. When it comes to baby stuff, even hats, I'm a true believer in the machine washable option. Babies spew amazing amounts of substances from a variety of orifices, and it's sort of stunning how much laundry you do. As a new mom, there's no way I could have had my wits about me enough to remember to hand wash anything.

Anyway, this is a CUTE little hat, and a super quick knit too! Once I have the pattern set, I think I'll contact the designer and see if she wants it.

Oh, on my last post, my friend the Toysmith (maker of that gorgeous pen) asked what color work was. Knitting is pretty basic in some ways, sticks and string. There's two stitches, knit and purl, and then variations on those. You get your designs either by stitch variations or colors. Something like an aran sweater, that texture is cabling (which I say gives you a lot of bang for the buck - it's easy but looks wicked complicated) and other stitches. Lace patterns derive from the creation of holes in the fabric. Colorwork is simply using different colors, so knitting with more than one yarn in a project, and there are different ways to do it. I've only done very simple color work, with just two colors, but there are really complex projects out there! I sort of doubt you'll see me doing that sort of project, mainly because I don't find the end result tremendously personally appealing. I can appreciate the craft and art of it, but I'm probably not going to wear it. I used to say I had no interest in lace knitting either, and then started with lace socks, and am now knitting shawls. So, I won't say NEVER. :)

I'd eat my words...

2011-01-22T20:37:00.002-05:00

...but I'm too busy eating leftover lemon tart from book club last night.

Yes, I am aware that this is color work. Yes, I am aware that I have publicly stated that I don't like color work.

Coming in under the wire here...

2011-01-21T23:41:00.001-05:00

Another snow day today. We had a great day, actually - we did homeschooling in the morning, read a bunch of The Phantom Tollbooth, did a bunch of sledding and playing outside. I had my book club over tonight, which was just wonderful.

And, a Knit Picks order showed up!! I cannot wait to start my Swedish Fish mittens tomorrow!!!

Endings and Beginnings

2011-01-20T16:06:00.002-05:00

I have a lot of thoughts swirling about in my head right now, and I'm not sure how much I can, or want to, get them out on the page. I am being reminded that there are people who are not the right fit for me as friends, and that rather than hang on to someone who's just not a good fit, it's better to let go with love and move along. Over all in my life, I've been truly and profoundly blessed by my friends, and it's been rare that friendships have not worked out. Sure, time and distance have caused some to fade, but this is different. This is one of the rare times where I feel like I'm being called to actively let go of someone. It's actually really fine, but still hard, if that makes sense.

So, with that, I want to take a moment and focus on all the wonderful *good* things in my life right now. I just received the last of my Christmas/birthday present, which is a 50 mm f/1.4 lens for my new camera. To say I am excited is an understatement. I am pretty sure that there's at least one more lens I need for my stable (ha ha!) but I'm out of money at the moment. This is a great portrait lens, and I'm going to be practicing on friends and their kids, which will be very cool. I've got some really neat and fun things coming up. A friend invited me to see The Race to Nowhere tonight, so that should be cool, and then I'm hosting book club tomorrow, which should also be an excellent night. Another friend has invited my husband and me to a regency era dance, so if we can find child care, we're going to go to that! SO FUN!!

We're in the process of trying to figure out preschool options for my daughter for next year. I can't believe she's big enough to go to preschool! I remember applying for my oldest when he was this age, thinking he was so big...now I understand a bit better how truly young he was. It's stunning how fast it goes.

I've not been doing great on the focusing on things that are GOOD for me (as opposed to things I enjoy) stuff. I'm going to try and do better... :) It's all a work in progress, right?

Oh, and I'm knitting a hat.

Quick Post

2011-01-18T22:21:00.003-05:00

I've been doing so great at keeping up with this blog!

Today school was closed. We had a nice day - quiet morning, then kids outside for much of the afternoon, then I invited the neighbors over for dinner.

I got no knitting done, but my house is clean(er). I really hope we have school tomorrow but with all this ice, who knows?

In great and exciting news - my new camera lens should be here tomorrow, my KP order for mitten supplies should be here soon, and a Ritz order should be here soon. Oh, and speaking of KP, as usual, their customer service ROCKS. I was using a skein of Essential (now called Stroll) and early in the skein, the yarn looked chewed through, then about 8 feet later, it was just severed. I've never seen anything like it in a KP skein! I emailed just to let them, and they are replacing it. Unbelievable!

An Actual FO!!

2011-01-17T20:51:00.002-05:00

Yes, another Noro scarf. This one's been on needles for a long time. So long, I really can't remember, but at least a year? Probably longer. This one was going to be for me. The first was for a friend, the second went to my mom, I do wear the other Noro scarf I knit (though I haven't yet this winter...I wonder where it is). This was knit in Noro Silk Garden, colorways 87 and 270, on size 8 needles. I really do love this scarf, but I've yet to create one that I love for me. I have a feeling this will become a gift for someone else...and I'm sure I'll keep knitting one for me. I started one in Chroma, in Roller Skate and Midwinter but the colors weren't entirely right together. So I'm turning the Midwinter into a simple hat. I really want the Chroma to work for this, so I'm going to keep thinking of how to make it work. I may just stripe a gradient with a solid. One person on Rav striped it with itself, which could also work. I don't know. Anyway, it was so exciting to cast off and finish something! It could probably use a good block, but I don't think I have the energy to do it.

In other news, my daughter's new coat arrived today. One of the hats I made (the owl hat) works well with it. Yay! The green of the blue flower hat is entirely wrong. The hat does work with a coat a friend loaned us, so maybe I'll just pass it along to her. It's not like DD doesn't have enough hats.

So, I spent a good portion of last night in my daughter's bed, which is a toddler bed and thus monumentally uncomfortable for me. I was totally kinked up but I did a new-to-me yoga DVD which really helped. I normally do power yoga, which moves faster, but this was amazing. There was no school today, and we had a good day. We spent the morning being lazy, and the afternoon sledding. We've built a good run in our yard! It's nice not to have to go anywhere to get some sledding in.

Knitting, and it's not working

2011-01-16T15:13:00.002-05:00

That is to say, my vision of the finished product is not matching what's coming off my needles. A friend incredibly kindly gifted me with Spilly Jane's Swedish Fish pattern, and I decided to use one of Knit Pick's new Chroma yarns against a neutral background. I happened to have some KP Essential in Ash, and when I held the colors up next to one another, they worked (cool tones). I started knitting.

Now, yes, I am aware that I have stated that I am not interested in color work, but how cute are these mittens? I am actually enjoying the process of knitting them, a lot. What I'm less enthralled with, sadly, is what's coming off my needles. Technically it's okay - I mean, I haven't done a ton of color work so I know my technique isn't perfect, but that's okay. It's that the Ash is just too dark. I want the fish to POP more. So it's that dilemma. Do I keep knitting, to see if the purple and lime will pop out that way I want them to, or do I just accept that the Ash is too dark, and find something lighter. I can't do a white background, they'll just get gross. I live in MA, land of salt and slush. There is a lighter grey Stroll...but do I really want to pay the shipping?

And...having sat on this post, and the process of a couple of hours...yes, I'm going to order something different and do them in a lighter background. I ordered the Dove Grey, and a different colorway of Chroma to try. Actually, to be honest, it's not that I'm *going* to order more yarn. I already did. The S&H was only $4, so I don't feel too bad.

My goal for tonight is to finally finish yet another Noro Double Gradient scarf. I was really hoping this would be the one for me...but it's not. So, I don't know who it's for. I think I have to give up on Noro. I love the concept, I really do, but there is only one colorway that I adore (188), and I've already knit myself a bag and hat out of it. Though come to think of it, the hat just doesn't really work - it's a bit too long and too tight. But I want to get this scarf off needles so I can start, you know, another one, but this one in Chroma.

I seem to be a WEE bit obsessed with Chroma, huh.

Pictures later if I get this damn scarf done.

Holy productivity, batman!

2011-01-15T19:42:00.010-05:00

So after my day yesterday of not doing anything, I went the opposite today, even though I was feeling fairly crappy myself. Colds with fevers tend to put me into a mild depression, so I really pushed myself to do things today. I knew that if I did nothing but sit aroundon my bum, I'd really feel bad. I did some errands, and discovered there's a new book in the Paksenarrion world! I *love* this author, and I love the Paksenarrion books - they changed my life. Yes, I'm a big geek, and a big reader. I am not ashamed to admit that I love (decently written) fantasy fiction, and I think Moon's stuff is wonderful. So that was a happy moment!

I got back, and decided to do some sewing...First up, new hats for my daughter. She doesn't need any more hats, far from it, but she's getting a new winter coat. A wiser woman might have waited until the coat actually arrived to purchase fabric, but that is not me.

I had originally planned that the whole hat would be in the owl fabric, but I actually really like the two-tone look. She seemed to love it, and I think it's just adorable. Then I put this together:

I love this fabric, and I'm hoping the green around the flowers will pick up the green from the coat. Which is really green. I had thought about doing a different design but she wanted the floomfy hat (as we call it).

A woman at church had admired my daughter's hat, so I decided to make her little girl one as well. Now, these aren't typical little girl colors, but I think it's really cute! So cute that I'm struggling with my generous impulse, as I want to keep it!

Then, because I love the fabrics so much...

This process also highlights for me my love of fraternal socks.

Well, that explains it.

2011-01-14T18:34:00.003-05:00

DD woke up in the middle of the night with a fever of 102 in the armpit.

It was funny, having an enforced day at home with no friends over somehow sparked my productivity. Actually, I want to do a puzzle but my puzzle table was covered with all sorts of crap, so I cleaned it off. Apparently I haven't filed in MONTHS. Turns out our Verizon contract expired and when I went to renew it, the nice lady said "Uh, we're going to have to up your internet speed...we don't even offer your package anymore." So our internet speed is going to increase by 150%. And not cost a lot more.

I got a ton done but nothing fun and creative and now I feel like I got hit by a truck so my rockin' Friday night is probably going to be over real soon now. I just looked at the clock and had that "How can it ONLY BE 6:37??" moment that sometimes characterizes my evenings. I was just talking with a friend recently about college - how parties didn't start until 11:30 pm. Of course, in those days I was capable of sleeping past 7 in the morning. And drinking a lot more beer. But we don't need to go into that.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll get DD's heart hat redone. I may have mentioned before that I'm...not cognitively flexible, shall we say. I get an idea and I get a skosh fixated. A wee bit obsessive, some might even say. I *really* want the hat to have a solid lining. So, yes, even though I'm surrounded by mountains of fleece, I bought more of the heart and the pink and I'm going to redo the hat so it's not quite so tight, and has a solid lining. Pictures to follow...

What goes up...

2011-01-13T19:07:00.002-05:00

...must come down, right? I'm feeling very blah today. It was one of those days, nothing HUGE went wrong, but lots of niggling annoyances. Old Cat peed on my winter boots. *sigh* So we can't keep any shoes or boots on the floor of the mudroom anymore. Where are we going to put them? Who knows. I got my usual stuff done, but while I was getting the kids' clothes, I saw an ant scurry across my son's dresser. AN ANT. IN JANUARY. I was so taken aback I actually glanced out the window to see if I'd possibly slipped into a fugue state and it was really summer. I hadn't, there's still 2 feet of snow out there. My guess is there's a nest somewhere in the house which is so revolting to contemplate that I just can't. Then I got the boys off to school (I just realized that yet again I forgot to give DS1 milk money. I wonder how much I owe them at this point.)

DD and I got ready to go...and the van is dead. This happens sort of often, because somehow the lights get turned on and when you turn the car off, not all of them turn off (WHO THE HELL THOUGHT UP THAT DESIGN FEATURE, BY THE WAY?), and the back windows are tinted so you can't tell and it drains the battery, but that was not the case so...yeah, it's not going. I got us into the small car, which is fine, but it's just sort of a pain, mainly because when we bought it, we cheaped out and got the lowest possible model and it doesn't have power locks, so when you're unlocking it you have to use the key to open the door then reach inside to the rear door to unlock. Could I possibly write anymore run-on sentences in this post?

ANYWAY, so we went to Joann and then to music class which was fun, except for the fact that I had a total undergarment malfunction (thank goodness I was wearing pants or my drawers would have ended up around my ankles), then to Michael's for a basket for the basket raffle at the elementary school (which is stressing me out). DS2 has a half-day today, but he was going home to a friend's house (same bus route). I realized that I had to go see what stuff we have for the basket raffle, because I'm the room mom and am coordinating this thing. So I went and picked up DS2, swung by a friend's house who had offered to donate some pancake molds for the basket, then to the school. DS1 had gotten on the bus by mistake, so I got him off the bus, and checked the bin...where there's not a ton of stuff. So I got all three kids into the little car, which can't take two boosters and a car seat in the back seat but I somehow forced it to work. We went to see if we could find skates for me (where of course they didn't have what I wanted in my size), and then to Target. The kids were acting up so I had to follow up on my threat of "if you don't stop it, we're not going out to dinner".

DH was going to be late anyway, but missed the 5:30 train, so I have no idea when he's going to be home, so I fixed mac'n'cheese for the kids, but I was so not into that, so I fixed an entire separate meal for me. During this, I was a total crankosaurus to my kids and made them all cry at the same time, which is like the bad mommy hat trick.

This is a very long-winded and whiny way of saying, I didn't really get anything interesting done and I took no pictures today.

The first step to recovery...

2011-01-12T17:36:00.009-05:00

...is admitting you have a problem, right?

My *big* Christmas gift was a serger - a very basic one (the low level Brother). I haven't done a ton with it yet, but so far I love it. Among other things, it's so much faster than a regular machine! Today, I was sorting through my fleece stash...which is really large, and thought, as one does, of course, "I should make some socks." Then I wondered if the heel/foot connection

would be easier to do on the serger, or if it would make an uncomfortable seam. There's a seam there anyway, but doing it on the regular machine is fiddly - you stitch it, then you have to sew the seam down. So I made one and it was SO RIDICULOUSLY EASY and tried it on and thought "Hmm, this seems fine." I don't have any particular sensory issues around seams in my socks. Then this happened...

And then this happened...

(and yes, those are donuts. DONUT SOCKS!)

And then I cut out a new hat for DD...and then THIS happened!!

A snow day...

2011-01-12T14:00:00.008-05:00

So, you might have heard, New England got some snow. You know, it's so funny to me that every big storm becomes SNOWPOCALYPSE OF THE CENTURY!! Seriously, news guys, it's MASSACHUSETTS. In JANUARY. It snows. (This is not a true representation of how much we've already talking, and they're now talking about 30" total, I guess.)

I used, for the first time, our newest aquisition, a 24" Craftsman self-propelled snowblower. I will not shovel again. It was so easy! We have a very long and fairly steep driveway, and it seems like snowblowing it is actually easier than plowing it!

Anyway, no school today. We spent a bunch of time out in the yard this morning, sledding and playing. After lunch, DD (under total protest) took a nap. She's really giving them up, but she had a rough night. At about 1 am, she came roaring down the stairs, a small pink bundle of outrage - the sort of outrage that only a 2 year old can express. It's unclear what was wrong, she was thirsty, Daddy was not up there with her, she was coughing. Sadly, she ended up in my bed with me, meaning no one really slept well. So yes, she's napping.

Having older kids who can actually be, well, not unsupervised, but much less closely supervised means that when the baby girl is sleeping, I can do other stuff. After cleaning up from our perfect winter lunch of grilled cheese, tomato soup, apples (the last of the Honeycrisp, *sniff*) and hot chocolate, I pulled out the fabric.

I had an idea for a variation on the fleece envelope hats, one with fringe on top. For some reason, instead of doing them my usual way, I wanted a true double layer hat. I measured DD's head and started working. My first version, I forgot that I wanted to turn up the brim so it was too short. My second version, I ended up with a raw seam showing when you turned the brim up, D'OH. (There were many D'OH moments in this process, including things like oh yeah, gotta thread the sewing machine before I sew the seam.) Then I was out of the solid pink I was using as the inner layer, so I ended up with a double layer of the heart fabric. It'd be cuter with a solid brim, I think, but it's fine. Here it is!

Next time, I might actually top-stitch the bottom edge to hold it in place, but my top-stitching isn't great, so I didn't this time. Let's hope it fits her! She's still sleeping.

Edited to add: she woke up! So, even though I thought I was adding all sorts of ease and extra room, it fits her PRECISELY, which means it may not last long!

Yeah, I'm not thrilled with it. It needs a slightly larger circumference, it needs a bit more height, and I really want it to have the solid lining. So, I'll redo it. It's good that I sometimes learn from my mistakes, right?

Snow Day!

2011-01-11T19:50:00.002-05:00

Hey, did you hear? It might snow in Massachusetts.

We've already had school called for tomorrow, and honestly, I'm looking forward to it. I think we could use a morning of laying around in a our jammies eating crepes, followed by sledding and hot chocolate. Yes, that sounds good to me. It was a very good day in part because I didn't have to put my elderly and adored kitty to sleep. She's hanging in there!

I bought some yarn today. SHOCK. I know, can you believe it? But I did. And, so far, I hate it. It's Caron's Naturally Caron Spa. It's so splitty (hey! I didn't drop an F-bomb there!). I'm concerned because I also read a review that suggested that it pills really easily. I think I'm going to return the skein I haven't opened and switch to cotton...I know I have tons of cotton around somewhere in my closet. It does have a nice sheen, and supposedly the fabric drapes well as well, but I don't know.

I also (shh) bought some fabric. I had to get my DD a new coat (argh) and we ended up with this. In lime green. I think it's really cute, actually, and I hope the color works for her, but it's so not going to work with the hats I've already made. So, hey! I can make more! And, you know what they had at Joann? DONUT FLEECE. How completely awesome is that? What I'm going to do with it, I have no idea. Probably socks. Can you see me running around in a donut fleece hat?

Yeah, actually, I can too.

No photo today...

2011-01-10T20:41:00.002-05:00

Mainly because I did take some, but they're just of my kids and a friend's kid, and I haven't quite figured out how I feel about posting pictures of my kids on the blog. Now, I am well aware that I have, in fact, posted a bunch of pictures of them, but it's usually related to them modeling something I've made for them, and I've forced them to pose for the picture. Just posting a portrait seems...I don't know. I feel funny.

Anyway, I got NO knitting, crafting, or anything else done today. I did drink a lot of tea, have great conversations with three separate friends, had lots of social time, a mid-afternoon playdate that turned into dinner. All wonderful things, but not conducive to being, you know, productive.

Since I love talking about my plans for things ~~even more than~~ almost as much as actually doing them, I'm going to ruminate on some things I'd like to get made...

I'd love to finish some handknit socks. I just found yet more lovely sock yarn in a bin, so it's not like I don't have the yarn.
I'm on a baby hat kick right now. Which is hysterical because I am having NO more babies! I do have at least one pregnant friend though.
I'm going to have to make DD a new hat. The zipper of her winter coat (her brother's totally cheapie thing from Target from last year) blew out and I've gotten her a new one (yay for Lands End clearance!!!). Her current hat won't match at all.
I have some flannel to make myself some jammies. Wow do I love comfy flannel jammies.
I had an idea for another cute kid's hat. At what point is a kid too old for a silly fleece hat?
I'd like to figure out a good pattern for double layer fleece mittens. Or maybe knit some and make fleece liners? Hmmm.
Not to mention all the stuff I have on needles already.

And, did I mention that I put in a KP order? Or that it might have some of this in it? I'll let you know how it is.

Teeny Tiny Baby Helmet

2011-01-09T21:32:00.007-05:00

So, my friend the photographer, sent me a link to baby hat she liked. I found something similar (in looking again, I think it's the same pattern!) on Ravelry, and started it. Then I decided to get creative. I rewrote the pattern using Lion Brand Organic Cotton, which is decidedly not a fingering weight yarn. They call it worsted but I think it's heavier than that...anyway, after many, many false starts, including a couple of massive counting errors and one addition error that made me cry just a little bit, I ended up with...

It turned out very tiny - it fits perfectly on my grapefruit which measured at 12.5" circumference, which, per Bev's handy chart, would be similar to 5-5.5 lb baby. I've worked the numbers for larger sizes, though there's some tweaking needed for the actual knitting. I'm not sure if I think the yarn is too big for such a small hat? It was fun to reword the pattern, anyway, even if it turns out I need to redo 1st grade math.

In terms of the photo, the DOF is a bit shallower than it should be. I'd like to figure out how to get the whole item sharp, but maintain the blur of the background.

Heart Shaped Nose

2011-01-08T22:30:00.003-05:00

This is my big boy, Pepper. He's a love.

I actually have knitting content to talk about (!!) but (1) it's really late and (2) I have to go to bed. My husband and I went out to dinner (babysitter and everything! All grownup! Wine!) with our supper club (4 other couples), and it was *so* fun. I love being a parent, I do, more than just about anything in my life, but WOW it's fun to get out and be grownups. We almost never do this, and we really almost never do this with other people. So it was fun.

(I just wanted to comment that I know I'm posting every day, and a photo every day, and I am putting...not zero pressure, but very little pressure on myself to do this every day, but I am in a groove and feeling like things are moving and whatnot so I wanted to keep doing it.)

I feel almost guilty for having had such a great evening in light of the horrific tragedy out of Arizona. But, the thing is, if anything can pull us out of this downward spiral, it's love, and the light, right? My heart and prayers go out to Gabrielle Giffords, the family of Judge Roll and all others who were wounded or murdered in this terrible attack. I am especially moved by the death of a child. I am praying for healing, and wondering how to help work for peace in our nation.

A return to my knitting roots...

2011-01-07T08:36:00.002-05:00

In early Fall of 2004, my oldest son was just turning 1, and I found out I was pregnant with baby #2 on his first birthday. For some reason, I decided that I wanted to relearn to knit, and that I wanted to knit a pumpkin hat for my little boy so he could be a pumpkin for Halloween. I went to a yarn shop (sadly now defunct) and took a fruit hat class. I learned that I twisted my stitches (which I have since corrected), I learned to cast on, knit in the round, knit on DPKs, do basic color stranding, decreases....I learned a lot in those two classes, and I fell in love with knitting.

When my younger son was born, he was *really* jaundiced and ended up in the NICU at Children's in Boston for 6 days. It's devastating that Children's is needed, but I'm so glad it's there. When I started this blog, I was knitting baby hats for the NICU. That ended up being...not a fulfilling experience. It's not that I was looking for thanks or glory, but it felt like I was sending things off into a black hole, not knowing if they were being used or thrown away. I never received a single acknowledgement of any of the things I donated, so...I stopped.

Since then, I've struggled with feeling like it's okay to knit just for me, for those I love. I've knit a few hats for the homeless, here and there, but nothing on any sort of regular basis.

Anyway, to make a long and perhaps pointless story longer, recently a FB friend who is a photographer posted that she was looking for cute newborn hats, handknit, so I offered to make her a couple. It's purely selfish - I can start (and finish) a new project without guilt that I'm not working on all my other projects! And, I have a bit of yarn, you know. So I pulled out the Tahki cotton classic that I just *happened* to have lying around, wound it up and cast on. I can't actually lay hands on the hat pattern, so I just did it from memory. Size 6 needles (KP Options for Magic Loop, of course), c/o 64 stitches. Knit 5", started the top. I realized half-way through the decreases that Ann Norling doesn't decrease every other row, if I recall correctly, she decreases every row, so my green is a bit pointier than hers. No worries, I think it's cute.

2011-01-06T13:06:00.002-05:00

This isn't quite what I wanted the image to be, but I like the drops of water coming of the stream. I took this because I was thinking about how lucky I am to be able to turn on a faucet and get clean, drinkable water, any time I want it.

I've got a lot floating around in my head, thinking about the future, work, art, life, parenting...I don't want to put pressure on myself, to feel like I need to change myself entirely, but I am someone who does ponder life a lot (too much, maybe!), and the new year always triggers thoughts of self-improvement. It's funny, I don't think it's coincidence that I've stepped away from the FB games almost entirely and I've had a really good and productive week. And, even though this was reentry from vacation week, I've had a *great* week with the kids, some really good connections with my friends, and I've been feeling really energized creatively.

(It's funny, I really cringe when I try to apply the word creative to me. I don't really feel like I am. I'm not sure what I think a creative person would like, or how they would act, but I feel pretty mundane so it can't be me. It's funny, I think a creative person would have a really funky and interestingly decorated house, and that's so not my life. I need to remind myself that the act of creating is creative.)

Anyway, I'm feeling like I'm a big state of change, and terms of moving into a new stage of living.

Kindness

2011-01-05T14:03:00.002-05:00

Kindness is really important to me. I believe that generosity is not just innate, it can be learned. I want to be the kind of person who gives back to others, the kind of person who appreciates what's done for her, who sends thank you notes, makes dinner for friends having a hard time. I'm so far from perfect, of course, but I do try.

I have a friend from college, someone I not only really like but really respect. As often happens, we fell out of touch, and I was thrilled to reconnect on Facebook with him. He was always really smart but lives an academic life (unlike me), rides bikes and does amazing woodworking as an avocation. I've commented on his photos of how much I love his work, so imagine my delight when I opened up the mail and found this pen from him. It's so gorgeous. I just things made from wood, I love simply and plain objects that let the beauty of the materials shine through. Woodwork is one of the many, many activities that I don't see myself having the time/space/energy to pursue, but would love to.

I'm having fun playing with the camera. This isn't quite the picture I wanted to take. It's too warm, too yellow, something. I had a lot of fun playing with the aperture setting to get the DOF I wanted. It's funny, like with so many things, as I've gotten older, I've gotten much more accepting of my need to learn how to do things. That sounds so arrogant, doesn't it? I think I've been lucky in many ways in life - many things have come fairly easily to me, so I didn't really learn how to work. As I have finally given up most of my perfectionism, I've found I'm much more willing to accept all that I don't know, and I'm much more willing to stick it out to learn what I need. I've come to understand that I can really enjoy things I'm not all that good at. All that to say, I'm going to take some more pictures and see what I can do differently.

2011-01-04T21:08:00.002-05:00

Today is one of those days where I just spend the day really appreciating how my family life is structured. I got up around 7, and was busy until I got the boys on the bus at 8:27. Then I had some time with DD just to putter. I put together the chicken I was marinating, did yoga, and then DD and I headed out. We dropped off DH's dry cleaning, ran by the grocery store, got gas, and headed up to the mall, where I was able to exchange DD's pants that had fallen apart after one wearing, recovered my Ritz information so I can order some things, had some lunch (crepes, mine wasn't so good but even a bad crepe is pretty tasty), and Costco.

In the interests of eating more healthily, I bought a bunch of pre-packeged snacks for the boys for lunches. I feel awful, in that it's environmentally crappy, but I need to jump start my eating to a more healthy way, and if it's a big bag of something, I munch, but the little single serving bags, I don't. It should be short term. It's also tricky because I don't feed my kids HFCS, artificial color or flavors, or partially hydrogenated yadda yadda yadda. Yeah, I'm one of those. It severely limits what you can buy at most mainstream stores.

Anyway, so we had a good and leisurely day - we got done what needed to get done, but also had some time just to play and be together. DD is in that horrible stage where one nap is too many and keeps her up until 9:30 but no naps means she's a hysterical mess by about 4:15, which makes for a loooooong afternoon.

The chicken was fantastic, I am feeling sort of like I almost have things under control...all in all, a good day. Most days are like this, so it seems good to mark it when it happens, and yes, I'm grateful for it. My goal for tomorrow is not only to do my yoga but to fit in a workout too! We'll see.

Back to the routine!

2011-01-03T15:03:00.003-05:00

We've taken down the tree and packed up all the Christmas decorations, but I can't quite bring myself to take down the outside lights yet. In part, because it's really cold right now and I don't want to spend that much time outside with no gloves on! This year I put lights on my back deck, because I love looking at them, and I don't get to see them. They made me really happy.

So, in the interests of 2011 being a year of focusing on meaning and joy, I spent time sewing yesterday. I have now made two pairs of PJs, one for each boy. Let's see...for DS2, I started with these, which were way, way too hard for a novice clothing sewer. Plackets? Flies on the pants?? WTH?! I totally punted on a bunch of stuff, and ended up doing velcro instead of buttonholes. They're HUGE, but luckily my son seems to love them. :) Then I made a pair of these for my older son. Plackets are still hard, but these were definitely easier. They're also HUGE on him, clearly I don't know about the sizing yet. But it was fun and they both wore them last night! I'm planning a pair of these for my daughter. I'm also planning a pair of these for me. I love $0.99 pattern sales! I just need a coupon for the fabric. I'd love to make these for my daughter as well, but trim scares me.

So far, I've disconnected from the FB games entirely and I'm feeling better. I had a nice morning, got things done, had some time with my husband, and took a bunch of pictures. I'm renting a 50mm 1.4 lens to see if I want to buy it, and I think I'm convinced. :) Today, I'm feeling generally optimistic and hopeful (which may last until the boys get off the bus, who knows). I had a great conversation with a friend, and I'm feeling generally grateful for the people in my life who *get it*.

Day 2

2011-01-02T14:37:00.003-05:00

Today I'm grateful for a walk in the woods with my family and my amazing new camera that's (I hope) going to allow me to take more of the kinds of pictures I love to take.

When I was in high school, I got a camera and I shot with it extensively for the next 5 years or so. Then I graduated from college, lost access to a darkroom, got really poor and then immersed in other things (you know, getting a Ph.D., falling in love, having babies). I've been shooting digital P&Ss for about 12 years now, and while I love them, I have over the last few years gotten more and more frustrated with their limitations. I love taking pictures, not just for documenting my life and growing family (though that's hugely important to me), but also for trying to convey some of my wonder in the world around me. I'm a big picture (landscape) or micro-focus (macro) photographer and thinker.

So, this year, I put all of my Christmas and birthday gifts towards a new camera, and so far, I'm loving it. In the spirit of focusing on things that bring me joy and fulfillment, today we went out and I took lots of pictures. I already know I need different lenses, and I've got enough in my fund right now to fund another one. I think I'm going to get a lens for the sorts of portraits I want to take, and focus on that for now. Then, when I've saved up some more money, and things are growing outside, I'll get a lens geared for the nature stuff I like. Last will probably be a landscape lens as I just don't have a lot of opportunity to do that sort of picture taking right now.

I'm not foolish enough to think I could do a 365 photo blog, but I hope to be posting more photographs here of the various things around me...including, perhaps, my knitting!